From the other end of the Shaky Isles.
Subject: Otara Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Otara, Auckland, in the early hours of last Thursday morning.
News of the disaster was swiftly spread by the distressed barking of the area's 35,000 unchipped Dobermans, Pitbulls, Staffies and various unidentifiable cross-breeds, while dazed victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fukinhell", "wowozat?" and "orsum bro".
Many locals were visibly distressed to have been woken before their DPB arrived.
The earthquake decimated the town, causing $99.99 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from McDonalds and the Otahuhu station car park were damaged beyond repair.
Three acres of historically important burnt-out cars were thrown into chaos.
Radio Manukau reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting happened in Otara.
One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tarara Boum te Ae, said "I was still shaking when I was watching Oprah the next day." Rising to the challenge, locals were determined to carry on business as usual, and lootings, muggings and car crime continued virtually without interruption.
Relief Efforts:
Rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit
books, jewellery from The Warehouse and bone china from the $2 Shop. So far the Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 cartons of Lion Red (beer) to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals.
CAN YOU HELP?????? Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster. Clothing and footware is needed most of all - especially:
* Baseball caps
* Hoodies
* Tracksuit tops (his or hers)
* White sport socks
* Nike shoes or white gumboots
* Jandals
Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, baked beans, chippies, ice-cream and cans of Mountain Dew or are ideal. Please not give anything that needs peeling.
Urgently required:
tinned dog food, and please throw in some extra cans for the hungry pit-bulls and dobermans.
Remember:
* 50 cents buys a Bic ballpoint for filling in compensation claims.
* $5 buys chips, chicken nuggets and blue fizzy drink for 5 toddlers or 3 pre-schoolers.
* $10 will pay for a packet of Rothmans and a lighter to calm a child's nerves.
* $20 will buy enough tinnies to settle down the adults into their normal levels of inertia.
* $50 will buy sufficient spray cans in various colours to restore the damaged "Street Art" on shop fronts and public buildings, and to redecorate the local motorway bridges.
Do not send tents. Flash housing may cause discontent in the nearby West Auckland communities.