But to get the minimum 2 weeks bonus, we would still need to achieve the target set last year. What was it, 1.2billion or something? With the current state of affairs, that's as likely as a sweet smelling fart.
However, let's look on the bright side. Hopefully a low target will be set this year and the following happens.
1) The global recession ends as quickly as it started.
2) The dollar continues its decline while revenue increases due to strong foreign currency.
3) The commercial department will hedge correctly on the price of oil ......for a change!
4) ERP will be back! (see point 2 above). The downside is that the usual moaning will start from those poor people who aren't entitled to it.
5) Passengers will also be back. This is because they are now to be referred to as a 'customer' instead of as a 'passenger'. Err........right.............
6) Half of our transport guys at EGHQ will be made redundant because someone will finally work out how to ask the same set of questions only once instead of three seperate times by three different people who all seem to wear the same scruffy unironed blue shirts, often without ties I might add!
7) Catering staff will also be culled because someone will finally realise that none of the pilots eat those soggy sandwiches or manky dried up vegetable sticks.
8) Monthly issue of CD's will stop. They will now be issued a month before a PPC as this is the only time that most people actually bother to look at them.
9) All overnight hotel meal allowances will stop. This will be replaced with all inclusive deals where we can choose anything we like, just as long as it's from the kids menu. This of course would exclude ice cream as this is normally extra.
10) Accommodation costs will be slashed. From now on, all crew will double up on rooms, with the Captain taking first choice as to who he gets to spend the night with. This would not apply in KL where a strict policy of single rooms would be enforced due to a previous abuse of the system.
11) Flight crew will be asked to provide their own laptops for T/O performance calculations. If it works for the DCPB, it sure as hell will for the rest of us.
12) 'World Maps', currently on display in all pilots briefing rooms (thank you for that as I often wondered where Israel was), will be distributed to other departments in the Airline. This may then give them some understanding of distance and time zones. Especially handy when someone from accommodation rings you at 2am in New York to ask you if the roof still leaks!
13) Pilot productivity at home ( how sad is that) could be improved by deleting all corporate comms messages. As much as i'm delighted to hear how our in house cricket team trashed the 'bengal bandits' or how we won the ' Best Middle East Airline to Karachi on a Sunday afternoon' award, I'd much rather spend time reading something that affects my job. Such as what really happened in J'burg, or Melbourne, Accra, Manchester.....etc.....etc.
14) Please stop reminding me that my mailbox is over its limit. If you stopped sending all those bloody corporate messages, it wouldn't be!
15) All pilots in Company transport that pass a SALIK toll will be required to put 4 dhs in a little pot marked 'Share the pain'. If you're fortunate enough to be travelling with a colleague, going dutch will be permitted.
Any more .............................a poo brown najam award for the best idea!