Big Mister.
I'm not sure that there is "one person" that can accommodate your wish list completely - except, maybe, Jack Bauer.
I really do believe, however, that *we* as a PPRuNe team, working together, pulling together, can save the day (and probably late into the night, too).
If a group of us take one job each from your list then I'm convinced that we shall walk down the corridors of power, with out heads held high, whilst we sing "We shall overcome".
I would like to offer my services to you as the person who is old enough for you to buy them a beer.
As the Fox & Hounds (Kissimmee) has stopped selling Warsteiner Pils, I'll settle for a pint or three of Stella.
Now, who will work on the computer end of things for him?
P.S. Willing to trade for chicken and ribs at the Hoop Dee Doo Musical Revue - the beer there is free.