Chuck led with -
Speaking of catching the clap.
Mixed emotions is when you get back home after an out of town trip that you caught the clap on and not knowing you have it yet you hump your wife as per expected.
When she confronts with the fact you gave her the clap you blame her for giving it to you and she starts to cry and asks you to forgive her.
to which I come back with -
A virile old bugger goes to see his quack and find out the results of some tests. The doc says to him, well we've got all these results back from the lab, but they're rather inconclusive. In fact it could be that you've got a dose of the clap or it could be that you test positive for alzheimers. What I want you to do is go home. And if you do manage to remember where home is, whatever you do, do not give the missus a poke.
A joke's a joke. A smoke's a smoke. A poke's a poke. But to talk about it's effing ridiculous.