Times change...
I hear you NEO but the idea of squeezing Naira 150 per cup of luke-warm Nescafe out of the BRC inmates is just so, so... exciting somehow! Whatever next? Charging per bean on the baked beans oozing onto the toast at brekkie? I just never saw the chop as a profit centre of excellence (for me, of course!) but now my eyes have been opened. Too late, too late... the story of my life.
Would it make a difference if I told Mr Coolings there that I have done the Lagos Yoruba conversion course including the final exam, the 100-yard sprint down Airport Road wearing flip-flops and a "Rat Quench" vest, tap-tapping on the window of a rusted-out Mercedes W124 with the boot sagging down, going "Sssst, sssst, Mastah you buy, eh? Cheap-cheap! I make you good price!" Who needs a Harvard MBA when you have that on your resume? You want excellence, I got it centred!
Guilty as charged when it comes to 'low flying" but in extenuation let me point out that it was a motorcycle I was using there! I have never acheived much in the way of lift with that thing, just the odd inch or two coming up out of the "Karussel" at the "Nordschleife" but that was about all.
I recently did have this training bod telling me to do it the way I was taught, when it came to flying my patterns at bush strips. I had to laugh, thinking, "Hmm... I guess you never flew the "Chief's House 1 STAR" at Warri Airstrip did you?" You know, the one where you went down to 200 AGL past the big satellite dish and then waited for the threshold to appear out of the murk. Or not, as appropriate.
I was doing that one day with a helo pilot in the right-hand seat when I had to throw it away on short final, just that little bit too much off on speed and positioning. He looked across at me as if to ask, "What are you doing?" I had to explain that we couldn't flare to a hover in a Twotter, could we? No probs, we got it the next time around.
I am now supposed to fly these huuuge patterns that seem like going on a short cross-country flight. It just seems like more of an opportunity to screw up compared to keeping it in tight but, yeah, it is all SOPs for this, that and the other. "The way it was taught" must mean something else to these guys; to me it means the way Nigeria taught me to fly.
I think it is simply tragic that I have had so long playing it straight without the payoff, the chance to sell out and screw my brothers. I don't ask for much, just the desk, the chair, the big split airconditioner, the "Daily Telegraph" from three days ago to read and the chance to dream up ways to shaft the guys out on the hangar floor and flying the line. Is that too much to ask for?
I can write memos with the best of them and in my heart of hearts I am a true b*stard so, come on, Foamy, just give me the chance to prove it.