Ah, Haynes.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS.
'Rotate anticlockwise'.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer. Anticlockwise. No, the other way.
'This is a snug fit'.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
'This is a tight fit'.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with a bigger hammer.
'As described in Chapter 7'.
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you're looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox and wondering how you got there.
'Pry'.
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
'Undo'.
Translation: Buy a tin of WD40 (giant industrial economy size).
'Retain tiny spring'.
Translation: PINGGGG -
"Where the f
ck did that go?"
'Press and rotate to remove bulb'.
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a small first aid kit).
'Lightly'.
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
'Weekly checks'.
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. In fact, forget about it.
'Routine maintenance'.
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's sure as heck about to be.
'One spanner rating'.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
'Two spanner rating'.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground. In fact that would have been more use to you.
'Three spanner rating'.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
'Four spanner rating'.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
'Five spanner rating'.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
'Bolt will be tight'.
Translation: You havent a hope in hell!
'Tap'.
Hit.
'Alternatively, you can fabricate your own special tool simply and quickly0, like this'.
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
'Compress'.
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
'Inspect'.
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yup, it's going to need a new one."
'Carefully'.
Translation: You are about to suffer deep lacerations.
'Retaining nut'.
Translation: That's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
'Get an assistant'.
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
'Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed'.
Translation: However, starting the engine again will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
'Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal'.
Translation: Yes, but you'll swear in different places.
'Prise away plastic locating pegs'.
Translation: Snap off...
'Using a suitable drift'.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with that hammer again.
'Apply moderate heat'.
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with hammer.
'Index'.
Translation: List of everything in the book, except what you need to know and where to look.
'Everyday toolkit'.
Translation: Will cost more than your house. A Rally team would be hard pressed to justify this amount of stuff.