You know the feeling. You get on-board an aircraft and think 'what the bl00dy hell!!!!' I had a 'lamp-swinging' session with a few old buddies a week or so ago and the tales were told.
Early 90's, NATO burning holes in the skies above the Former Republic of Yugoslavia. The F3 boys going home to tea and medals at Gioia del Colle, all looking forward to gozome time.
Come the day, hurray, we can all go home 'cos the Scottish F3 Force are taking over the task. What do we get to bring us home? The NATO airships send us a TU-154 of Air Ukraine! Hmm, interesting we all thought, then as we climbed aboard, to a man it was 'What the bl00dy hell!!!'
The main cabin luxuriously kitted out with, not Axminster, but LINO. Aircraft seats that moved, not reclining type of movement, but sliding type of movement because a lot of them were not bolted down. Cabin crew of the 'night club bouncer' school of hospitality, and they were the females!! On looking out the window, there is our 'professional' first officer doing his preflight checks with a fag in his mouth.
Before we could all escape this fiasco, the cabin doors were closed and we all listened to the emergency brief, wonderful, all in fluent Ukrainian!!
On getting airborne we circled a bit, taking in breathtaking scenes of Southern Italy before setting of towards Malta. This navigational error was soon corrected with much heated chatter between the 'I speak English good, I learn it from a book' radio officer and Italian Air Traffic Control.
Ah, snack time. Out came the Air Ukraine version of the butty box. I've never eaten so much cucumber in my life washed down with cucumber juice.
Eventually we stumbled our way across Europe getting ever closer to the secret F3 airbase in North Yorkshire. Lunchtime, Cucumber a la King anyone?
Our tame Air Traffiker in the mean time has been listening to the R/T chatter (sad, I know), then informs us that the aircraft has had radar vectors all the way home because the aircraft doesn't have a map that runs west of Ukraine. Hence the heated radio chatter between Manuel the radio officer, Eurocontrol and LATCC.
Eventually we are vectored all the way home. The white knuckles on finals showing beautifully through the golden tan's gained in Italy.
JEngO then pipes up 'How are they going to refuel this thing? We don't have Russian fuel connections at base' (another sad case).
Anyhow, finally we all disembark. Massively grateful for getting home, not that concerned about the stresses of flying over the FRY, but Air Ukraine's Trooper was another matter.
As a finale, I was tasked by the Boss to get ERC's, BINA's and EUMED's for the crew to get them home. This was manna from heaven to them. The RAF provided the whole airline with 1 copy of each chart and doc. On subsequent troopers, the radio officer was sent to Flight Planning to amend THE chart and THE doc.
Oh, and re-entering the aircraft to deposit said load of Docs and Charts, there was the head steward (with fag in mouth) cleaning the cabin with a mop, with gallons of water slopping about. The VASS chiefy took one look and decided to get off, all the electrical cable runs ran under the floor.
The refuelling problem was solved, the aircraft had a NATO coupling factory fitted as standard. Not a civvy coupling, a NATO coupling. Hmm, it makes you think what the role of the TU-154 was in case of unpleasantness between East and West.
Oh and I just found this snippet
The
NATO reporting name of the Tu-154 is
Careless.
Appropriate.
Anyway, I'm sure there's many a tale waiting to be told.
Over to you.