I live next to a motorway and am sick and tired of the noise all those cars, buses and trucks make. I have written to my MP, demanding that he take immediate action to severely curtail vehicular movements on the stretch of road passing my house.
The local rail network is now under increasing pressure (from me) to cut down on its traffic - or face complete closure. I simply don't want this kind of noise on my doorstep. I find it unacceptable that a diesel-powered locomotive, pulling thousands of tons of freight, aggregates, animals or people should be permitted to rumble and thunder through my neighbourhood. The disturbances caused by trains must stop.
The terrible noise of children at play, in the neighbouring school, was reduced somewhat from the initial 87db, following my vociferous representations to the Education Authority. After a short period at around 57 db, the level of noise increased, back to the original 87db and, as a result, the school has been closed down - on my insistence.
So far, my memo to the Pest Control Department of my local counil has not been actioned. It contained details of a certain bird species which, since the start of spring, has been waking me at dawn with its "mating call". This is noisy AND disgusting and I have, therefore, suggested that the council employ marksmen, lay poison or humanely capture the creatures and release them to a bird sanctuary, where they will be unable to cause distress to taxpayers, like myself. My MP is in agreement.
More recently, I have enlisted the help and assistance of Mrs Sytner (wife of Frank, the BMW dealership boss). Together, we will fight to prevent cows from mooing to one another and making smells in the countryside outside of normal waking hours. Pollution of rural areas should not be tolerated by people who have paid a premium to live in the country.
As soon as we have raised sufficient funds, our activities will be broadened to include lobbying the European Parliament to fund the latest genetically modified sheep larynx. This new bioresearch project will virtually eliminate "baa-ing" noises from the country - making it a more peaceful place to live in.
I phoned my local airfield this week and demanded that they widen their circuit, so that all aircraft going downwind should pass directly above my village and use my yellow bouncy castle as a left base marker. I would be able to feel the good vibes coming from first solo students, and people just having a fantastic time getting a life and expanding their horizons.
Me - well, I'm just a new-age-urban-warrior Not-In-My-Back-Yard (NIMBY) campaigner, who likes to sit on his arse in the garden on sunny weekends and do nothing but whinge about other peoples' business and things that make the world go round. When the weather is bad my telly drowns out all of life's nasty noises.
Please help me, Mr Luke Davies, to make the world a better place, by sending 50 pounds or more this week - to keep the campaign running.
You know it makes sense.
ETR