Episode 2; back by popular demand!
Episode 2
Hello again Spacefans!
At the end of the last episode of the continuing journeys of the Spacewreck Airservices we saw the Captain pleading & sobbing to anyone who would listen that he wasn't responsible for the ships Warp Drive emitting a loud, wet fart then blowing up in a cloud of TIBA smoke and cascading essential services shutdowns. All he did was call for Warp Factor 9 to commence the journey to the Star System "Service Delivery Environment".
We rejoin the journey as the Captain sits in his cabin wondering how it all came to this. More importantly, he is mining his High Powered Executive Mind for a solution to fix the Warp Drive and jump out of earth orbit towards SDE. After many hours hard thinking he strikes corporate gold. He is so pleased he hurries out of his cabin onto the bridge. With a wide waving sweep of his hand and a descending two tone "HIIIIIIIIiiiiiiii!!!!!" he announces his presence to the bridge crew. As always, the bridge crew rush to surround the Captain in rapturous wonderment. Our intrepid Captain is used to this reception and revels in his bridge crews adoration. Unfortunately, he has yet to detect that the hushed whispers of;
"My precious"
"My ppppreciousssss...";
are not directed at him personally. In fact, they are directed at the envelope in his top pocket labelled "Bridge Crew At-Risk Remuneration" (I won't use the word "bonuses" - apparently some people find it "insulting ***Haarrummmph***!".) The Bridge Crew are not known as the "Gang of Gollums" for no reason...
Our Captain continues, "I've found the solution to the ships problems! It's obvious and as I first thought - it's not my fault! I've been let down by one of you!"
Pointing at his Chief of Ships Operations he growls, "This is all your fault! You've mismanaged the ship! You displease me! I replace you with the Chief of Ships Safety - he has run the ships safety department without ever raising a single concern with me. That is how the ship should work - I don't want to hear bad news and the Chief of Ships Safety and his department have assured me they know exactly what goes on in all parts of the ship and that we are the safest ship in The Fleet. In fact, they never say anything but the ship is perfect and safety is not now nor has ever been compromised. That kind of loyalty I reward. For you - I think you can take charge of the ships safety department. Look on it as a career development opportunity! They can teach you what I want to hear!"
"***GGGRRRRRRRR***"
"Furthermore, you have upset the engine room crew! Fortunately, I also have a solution to this. Pay attention now! My solution should demonstrate to all who question my competence that I'm the most brilliant Starship Captain the Universe has yet produced."
The Captain thunders on,
"I'm going to give the engine room crew free tea & coffee on Wednesday mornings until Easter!"
The Gang of Gollums recoils aghast at the audacity of their leader. They cry, "We would never have thought of that. The Brisbane and Melbourne engine room crew will be astonished at your benevolence and will no doubt consider themselves blessed to have you as their Captain. Truly you are a Great Man!"
The Captain strides over to the ships Tannoy, presses the button and says, "Now hear this! Now hear this! This is your Captain speaking! I understand the crew is enduring difficult times and here on the bridge I feel your pain. As a show of leading edge corporate staff motivation techniques I have just authorised the provision of free tea and coffee. But only to engine room staff. Not the Battle Towers, nor the ships engineers and technicians. Or any other crew member for that matter. Engine room crew must also prove they are engine room crew to the satisfaction of an Officer. For those engine room crew who can prove their identity please accept with my thanks this substantial gift. But only on Wednesday mornings and only until Easter. That is all!"
A small voice is then heard squeaking from a dark corner of the bridge, "Captain, the Launy Battle Tower is reporting a shortage of gunners and ammunition."
"So is the Melbourne Tower Main Armament Battery".
"And the Perth Photon Torpedo Magazine is also reporting shortages".
"Sir, the Melbourne and Brisbane engine rooms are now reporting further crew shortages".
"In fact, Sir, every time our orbit takes us over the Middle East some of the crew are taking to the ships escape pods."
"Germany, Ireland, Canada and New Zealand as well."
"The ships engineers are abandoning ship, too."
"Oh, and our instrument approach designers are also grabbing seats in the escape pods. We'll be blind when attempting approaches through thick atmospheres on other planets, sir."
"Bloody hell", mutters the Captain.
Now, never let it be said the members of the much-unloved Gang of Gollums are not always looking to get ahead of each other in their eternal effort to take possession of the "Bridge Crew At-Risk Remuneration" envelope. One of them gets the attention of the Captain and opines, "I bet I know why these reports are coming in, sir."
"Out with it, Number Two!", snaps the Captain.
"Sir", hisses the ships HR counsellor, "I suspect the crew is engaging in illegal industrial action - as well as the free tea and coffee you have so generously made available to them I think they may be trying to use industrial thuggery to also obtain free hot water, sugar, milk and a cup from you! Sir, you have provided two free things to them and now they want four more free things from you. Their rapaciouseness knows no bounds. I recommend you deal with these mutineers harshly!"
A startled silence descends on the bridge. Everyone is shocked at the thought the crew could be so greedy and await the increasingly incandescent Captains response.
"To the sixth floor Alan Woods Battle Bridge!", erupts the Captain.
The bridge crew look around uncertain as to what the Captain means.
"The Battle Bridge, Sir?"
"Yes, you idiot, where we go when we have a crisis and want to thoroughly screw someone! The National Operations Centre!"
"Oh, you mean the NOC Shop, Sir? Yes, Sir. The NOC Shop is the perfect place to screw people, Sir! You're smart, Sir! Right behind you, Sir!"
"And send a loyal security team to deal with the mutineers in the Launy Battle Tower. We'll deal with them first before moving onto the rest. And tell the security team to set their phasers to "kill"!"
"Yessir!"
Meanwhile, out beyond the orbit of Pluto - unnoticed by those on the dysfunctional bridge of the Airservices solemnly entrusted with the defence of so many innocent people - stands a solitary menacing figure on another ships bridge. The bridge of a Battle Star escorted by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you listen carefully, dear reader, even at this distance you can hear the faint strains of the Star Wars Imperial March. Now, you may think that - in space - no one can hear music - or hear you scream. However, your author gently chides you to remember that any matter relating to the Spacewreck Airservices involves operating in an alternate reality. The laws of physics in this reality are not just stranger than you think - they are stranger than you can possibly imagine. Welcome to The Twilight Zone...
The lone figure quietly surveys the 3rd planet orbiting our non-descript star and, more closely, the spaceship gently orbiting the planet. Across the galaxy he has laid waste to many Air Navigation Service Provider Starships and those their duty it was to protect. He is relentless. He is merciless. He is utterly lethal. He spares not man, woman or child.
And he can sense weakness from light years away.
Unheard by any, he breathes:
"I am become Death. Destroyer of Worlds."