Return of Episode 4
Episode 4: Abandon Ship!
Shortly after finishing his latest copy of Atmospherix young Luke Skytalker – engine room crewman on the Spacewreck Airservices – receives a message in his mailbox. Upon opening he recognises it as a letter of some sort. He understands the words but can’t understand the message they are attempting to send. He calls for C3PO – his etiquette, customs and translation droid. C3PO hurries into Luke’s cabin:
“Yes Master Luke?”
“Threepio, I have here what I think is a letter but I barely recognise the language. Can you translate it?”
“Oh Master Luke, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. I am sure I could translate for you!”
“Take a look.”, says Luke, handing over the letter.
“Master Luke, I recognise the language used. It is a dialect of the Human language known as English. The dialect is called ‘Spin’. It would be my pleasure to translate it piece by piece for you.”
“Go ahead.”
“Master, if it pleases you, I shall read a part of the letter aloud, translate and then move onto the next part.”
“Yes, yes, that’s fine. Get on with it Threepio.”
“Of course, Master Luke.”
“Message from the Admiral to All Crew”;
Translation: “Pay attention, peasants!”
“As many of you may be aware I have elected not to seek re-appointment to a further term on the High Command of Spacewreck Airservices and will be stepping down as Admiral and Overseer on Stardate 28032008.”
“I’m abandoning ship”.
“This has been a difficult decision, but I believe our new Government and Minister should have the flexibility to determine the make-up of a High Command and its leadership.”
“I’m jumping before I’m pushed”.
“I am confident that organisational reforms that will maintain a sustainable organisation are now at a stage where they can be successfully carried forward by current and future Boards.”
“SDE has busted the ships Warp Drive. I’ll leave repairing it to some other sucker.”
“For myself, it has been both enormously rewarding and an honour to be associated with Airservices and its people. The tasks that are performed day in and day out, with such a high degree of professionalism and dedication in a high risk, dynamic, and changing environment, are a constant source of immense pride.”
“Admiral’s fees are lucrative. I’ve basked in the reflected glory provided by the ships hardworking crew. I haven’t a clue about how the ship actually works.”
“When I joined the Spacewreck Airservices in Stardate 012005 as Admiral of a largely newly appointed High Command, the ship had just been through a very difficult period.”
“The ship was run down when I joined. It hadn’t had competent commanders in a long time.”
“While a world-wide leader in technology and innovation with some remarkable achievements, the ship had also lost focus with its owner and some stakeholders. In some areas it had over promised and under delivered and important issues relating to future planning had not been given the attention they demanded.”
“It’s a miracle the ship was still operating given how bad the previous commanders were. The previous commanders were also not active National Party supporters. If you weren’t aware, the Spacewreck Airservices High Commands’ most important role is as a vehicle for rewarding loyal Party members – not to provide high standard Space Navigation Services. Amongst their many other failings the previous command did not plan for this.”
“The High Command addressed these concerns by providing stability and selecting a committed and energetic Captain supported by a high calibre Bridge Crew. We then focused on meeting the Government’s expectations by providing strategic direction and robust governance. Common to all Members of the High Command has been a vision and commitment to continuing the development of the Spacewreck Airservices and preparing the ship for the future.
“The High Command appointed a new pro-National Party and Government Captain and let him, in turn, clear out the previous Bridge Crew and appoint his own Gang of Gollums – errrr, Bridge Crew. We then sat back, collected our fees and let the Captain run amok. Common to all members of the High Command has been a complete failure of corporate governance; an appalling case of corporate myopia and ill-preparation of the ship for both today’s battles and those of the future.”
“I am proud and feel privileged to have led the wonderful team of people who make up the High Command of the Spacewreck Airservices. The Vice-Admiral has brought considerable counsel to High Command deliberations and has been of tremendous assistance in her capacity as Deputy”.
“I am lucky to have had a High Command team that is so dumb they manage to make me look good. When it all goes wrong I'm going to blame the Vice-Admiral for giving me dodgy advice.”
“The Chair of the High Command Safety and Environment Committee has worked tirelessly to ensure stronger safety management. His airline management and associated operational knowledge have been invaluable.”
“Since this High Command took over the ships safety management state has deteriorated to the point where it can no longer reliably run its engine rooms, man its battle towers or produce navigational charts to guide it through low visibility space. As a consequence, those who depend on the ship’s services are burning much more fuel than necessary whilst being delayed by the ships inability to process them – at the rate we’re going we’ll single-handedly ensure Mother Nature needs to be put on a ventilator. All that airline management experience has ensured we’re heading towards being the ANSP equivalent of Garuda.”
“Alice has brought considerable aviation experience and financial acumen to the role of Chair of the High Command Audit Committee.”
“Alice’s considerable aviation experience and financial acumen ensured the Audit Committee did what most Auditors would do – be alert to the need for strict identity requirements to ensure free tea and coffee was only provided to ATC members of the ships crew (a few hundred dollars) – whilst completely missing the fact the ship was falling apart around them (a few hundred million dollars). Alice must have been in Wonderland.”
“To my fellow High Commanders my sincere appreciation for their considerable and considered contribution.”
“I am grateful my fellow High Commanders had as little a clue as I.”
“Looking back on recent years and what has been put in place I believe the High Command has made a difference, in a number of key respects.”
“I’m now about to attempt to justify the High Commands role in doing even more damage to the Airservices than the previous Command.”
“Most importantly has been the creation and retention of a skilled Ship’s Crew and their ongoing training and development is a cornerstone of a sustainable ship. The ship now has an improving understanding of future workforce requirements and will soon be in a position to finally break the ‘overtime business model’ which has operated since the ships launch in Stardate 1995. The opening of the Battle Tower Visual Simulator and the ongoing creation of the Airservices Academy near the Melbourne engine room, which in time will be a Spacefaring training powerhouse was (sic) extremely pleasing achievement.”
“In the early days of our Command the Captain, with our full support, despatched hundreds of crew members into the -273o Celsius vacuum of space (without a space suit). We explained this to the remaining crew as giving these poor souls a chance to ‘expand their horizons’. Strangely enough, on hearing this many of the remaining crew started taking to the ships escape pods. We now know that escape pods should only be provided to Bridge Crew and above. We will soon be in a position to finally break the crew. Successive Commands have been attempting to break the crew since the ships launch in Stardate 1995. The Battle Tower Simulator and Academy are providing an entirely new opportunity for bureaucratic bungling. In time, they too will be restructured/downsized/rightsized/re-engineered in order to ensure a Ship’s Officer can big-note him/herself in the never-ending cycle of empire building and scrapping. By the way, the “(sic)” stands as monumental testimony to the lack of attention paid by me and the High Command to matters relating to the Airservices. I signed this letter – one of the few times I have deigned to speak to you - but didn’t even pay enough attention to detect the missing ‘an’. If I can’t even get something as small as that right – imagine how much damage I may have done when dealing with the big issues.
“An important legacy will be the improved capability of our neighbours in the Starships Indonesia and Papua New Guinea fostered by Airservices commitment to extend our knowledge and capability to our kindred ships in our nearest neighbours.”
“Our ships capabilities are rapidly heading towards the level of Indonesia and Papua New Guinea.”
“Finally, I thank the Captain and his Bridge Crew for their support and commitment. I am confident they will continue to pursue the long term wellbeing of the ship and deliver significant and positive results.”
“I thank the Captain and his Bridge Crew for being my co-defendants in a future Royal Commission. In the meantime, I am confident they will continue to pursue their ‘at-risk remuneration’ at the expense of the ship and its crew.”
“Stardate 2008 and beyond will bring enormous challenges, which in many respects I am saddened not to face with you. I wish the future High Command and each and every one of you continued success.”
“The Spacewreck Airservices is freaking doomed. I’m running away as fast as I can. I wish the future High Command and each and every one of you luck – you’re going to need a miracle. And remember this – IT’S NOT MY FAULT.”
Admiral Two-Dads
Stardate 28032008.
Agape, Luke looks at C3PO.
“That’s how it translates?”
“Yes Master Luke, I have been very accurately programmed to understand ‘Spin’. I assure you I have not made an error.”
“Where do we get these High Commanders from?”
“Master Luke, that I cannot help you with. My programming does not extend to the absurd.”
On the Battle Bridge, the Captain reads the Admiral’s message and then retires to his ready room. He inserts the combination into the Captains Safe, opens the door and removes an envelope. The envelope contains a small piece of paper with a series of numbers and letters printed on it. The Captain says to the Ship’s Computer:
“Computer, activate Captain’s programme ‘One Delta Six’ – authorisation code ‘zulu, six, one, eight, alpha.”
“Programme activated.”
At the rear of the Captains ready room a hidden door opens slowly to reveal the most luxurious escape pod on the ship. The Captain – delightedly having named the pod himself - lovingly runs his hand over the words painted beneath the cockpit window:
“The Golden Parachute”
“The time may be coming soon where I’ll get to take a ride in you - my beautiful”, whispers the Captain.
The Gang of Gollum’s has also read the Admirals message. They survey each other – for things have changed. No longer is the “At-risk Remuneration” envelope in the Captain’s top pocket the most precious thing in their lives. Oh no, a much bigger “precious” might be on the horizon – the Captain’s Chair itself. They noted that after reading the Admirals message, but before retiring to his ready room, the Captain circled the Battle Bridge in ever decreasing circles. To the Gollum’s, it looked much like the waddle of a lame duck. But with this revelation comes a new worry. A new Captain inevitably means a new Gang of Gollum’s – this is an all or nothing situation. For each of the current Gollum’s failure to achieve victory over the other Gollum’s will almost certainly result in them joining their predecessors on an un-suited space walk. And what would happen if – as has happened for the last 15 years or so – an outsider was given the command of the Airservices? They could all be doomed. The Gollum’s can see the greed and fear in the eyes of each other. The Admiral’s letter will see the incessant manoeuvring reach new heights of intrigue in the weeks to come.
Out beyond the orbit of Pluto, in his Battle Star escorted by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Darth Midair detects a subtle disturbance in the Force. He senses that a new weakness has overtaken the Spacewreck Airservices. Its poorly-performing Captain and Bridge Crew have a new distraction – that of command instability. Where men of goodwill see trouble – Darth Midair see’s opportunity.
And beneath his inscrutable black mask - the faintest hint of a smile appears.
In his cabin, Luke contacts his mentor, Yoda. He explains the situation to him.
“Master Yoda – what should I try to do?”
“Luke, do or do not, there is no try!”
“Yeah, thanks Yoda, haven’t you get any newer material?”
“Ah, the impatience of youth – Luke, I suggest you grab a couple of slabs of galactic gargleblaster, a bucket of popcorn, sit down in your favourite recliner and watch the show unfold.”
“What will I see?”
“Search your feelings, Luke.”
After a long pause:
“Master Yoda, will I see a lame duck transform into a dead duck?”
“Quack! Quack!”