My personal copy of 'Spacewreck ASA episode 3'
Episode 3: The Phantom Menace
When we last left the Spacewreck Airservices the Captain was leading his Gang of Gollums bridge crew to the 6th Floor Alan Woods Battle Bridge (known to all on the Airservices as the “NOC Shop”) in order to deal harshly with a mutiny by the crew. Never in the history of the United Federation of Off-the-Planet ANSP’s had their been a mutiny of such gravity – the demand for free hot water, sugar, milk and a cup to go with the Captains generous offer of free tea & coffee had left him and the Gang of Gollums shocked. Not shocked into silence – but shocked into explosive action. We rejoin the action on the Battle Bridge:
“Ships Personnel Officer!”, snaps the Captain.
“Yessir”, squeaks the Officer huddled over a desk moving paper from one side of the desk to the other whilst considering this productive work.
“Find me a way to deal harshly with the crew, let them know that I’m running this ship and demonstrate my power!”
The Personnel Officer recalls a technique used some time ago that upset the crew:
“Sir, I recommend we do a leave audit on the ships crew but - like we did last time – have the ships computer take unused leave off some of the crew in a subtle manner. The crew will eventually detect it and demand it back. We can then give it back to them and also give them a fake apology with the excuse that it was an administrative oversight. For months to come they’ll be too busy making sure their pay and leave is correct to have time for their petty whining about your extraordinarily generous offer of tea and coffee.”
“Make it so!”, mutters the Captain before stalking off to his Battle Bridge cabin to consider other pressing matters.
Our doughty Captain sits at his desk sipping a cup of tea (all ingredients provided free). Despite his High Powered Executive Mind the irony of this escapes him. Maybe it’s the two immediate problems confronting him that have dulled that Mind. Firstly, the United Federation of Planets Senate Estimates Committee hearings are occurring shortly. They only happen rarely - it’s the time when representatives of the ultimate owners of the Airservices expect to be provided with a Captain’s Report on the state of the ship. The Captain has always considered these hearings to be beneath a man of his stature – how dare there be any form of accountability applied to his command!? Don’t they know he commands the finest ANSP Starship in the Fleet? The Senators and the lumpen proletariat they purport to represent are fools. His time is important – if they want to know the state of the ship all they have to do is ask the ships Corporate Communications department. That department is the most efficient on the ship – they have only one thing to ever do - flip the switch on the continuous playback tape between “We’re a world’s best practice ANSP. Look at the IATA Silver Eagle Award we recently won” to “Safety was never compromised. Safety is our No.1 priority.” It just depends on the question asked by the enquirer.
The Captain doesn’t know the decrepit state of the Airservices has meant the “Safety was never compromised” part of the tape is being used much more than it was designed for and is starting to sound scratchy from over use…
Nonetheless, his Mind has never failed him before and it doesn’t this time – he will send his Chiefs of Ships Operations and Safety to the hearings whilst he takes himself even further off the planet on Celestial and Astro Navigation Services Organisation (CANSO) business. All First Class, of course.
The second problem is somewhat less easy to solve. It involves the mutinous crew and that infernal site on the Galaxynet called PAROON. (For the uninitiated – PAROON is the Professional Astronauts ROOster Network. It gives the operational crews of ANSP starships –amongst many others - a place where they can temporarily escape from under the jackboot of corporate totalitarianism; shed their innocuous feather duster disguises; climb onto the rooftops and cock-a-doodle-FREAKING-DO; before slipping their disguise back on and reporting back for duty in the engine rooms and battle towers). The Bridge Crew of the Airservices don’t like the Galaxynet much. They like the opportunity it presents them to tell the entire Federation of Planets how wonderful the Airservices is – and by association how wonderful they are. They don’t like, however, that many more people – including their own crew for goodness sake – can just as easily tell the people of the Federation the exact opposite. The Captain, with the help of his Gollum’s, has gone to much effort to stamp out free speech on the Airservices – and been largely successful. What makes the situation particularly galling for the Bridge Crew is that PAROON also has its own Mission Statement:
And Ye Shall Know the Truth: And the Truth Shall Set Ye Free
It’s even got its own Guiding Philosophy:
You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police. Yet in their hearts there is unspoken – unspeakable! – fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts! Words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home, all the more powerful because they are forbidden. These terrify them. A little mouse – a little tiny mouse! – of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.
The Bridge Crew had never before seen these quotes let alone understood their significance. They had to resort to the Ships Computer for help. Observed from the 25th Century the first quote was 2500 years old and first appeared in a book titled “The Bible” – which the computer told them was a book used by an ancient “religious sect”. The second quote was sourced back to the mid-20th century as being said by a gentleman known as “Sir Winston Churchill”. On finding this out their collective High Powered Executive Minds kicked into gear, looked no further than how old the quotes were and spat out, as always, a brilliantly perceptive answer as to why the crew were using PAROON; resisting change; and being of mutinous disposition. In unison the Bridge Crew looked at each other and blurted out:
“The crew is living in the past! They think history has something to teach us!! Those poor, illiterate, uneducated fools!!! HAHAHA!!!! Can you believe it, they think history has lessons we should not forget?!!! Idiots!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”
The Captain calls the Bridge Crew to his ready room;
“Gentlemen, I am concerned about this PAROON site on the Galaxynet. I’m particularly concerned about the ships crew using it to criticise you and I. We all know the crew’s unhappiness is a result of their backwardness of thought. We should pity them. It must be difficult for them to live without the cutting edge intellects possessed by us. However, we must attempt to reduce the amount of criticism appearing on the Galaxynet. I have a brilliant plan their puny little minds will completely fall for.”
The Chiefs wait breathlessly.
“It’s called Atmospherix.”
The following day the Chiefs of Operations and Safety are down on the planets surface appearing before the Federation Senate Estimates Committee. All is well until Senator O’Brien Wan Kenobi says:
“I am told that the Launceston battle tower was closed early Saturday and then for over six hours on Sunday morning outside normal coverage hours. In order for the Sunday afternoon and evening gunners to attend duty early Monday morning the Launceston battle tower closed early Sunday night.”
The newly appointed Chief of Operations suddenly looked rather unwell and replied:
“I was not aware of the early closure on Saturday and Sunday evening but it did open late on Sunday. That was a result of the morning shift gunner at Launceston battle tower going sick and being unable to get a replacement gunner.”
An astute observer in the hearing later commented that the newly appointed Chief of Safety demonstrated a strange change of facial expression concurrent with the Chief of Operations response to the Senator.
And Senator O’Brien Wan Kenobi thought to himself:
“The Chief of Operations doesn’t know that a sector of the Airservices was left completely undefended recently. How is it possible that something of such importance could not be known to him?”
“And where the hell is the Captain? Why isn’t he here explaining this himself? It’s his ship, isn’t it? What sort of operation is he conducting up there?
“Hmmmm, this bloke’s not a Captain. He’s a Phantom bloody Menace!”
“I might have a word to Imperial Minister Big Tony about this. This could be trouble.”
After completing his shift in the Melbourne Engine Room young Luke Skytalker retires to his cabin. In his mailbox he finds a plastic wrapped magazine addressed to him personally. Surprised, he wonders who could be sending him such a glossy – and expensive – magazine. On opening it he comes face-to-face with his Captain and Bridge Crews brilliance – the new crew magazine and literary masterpiece - “Atmospherix”. All across the ship the crew are returning home to find they have a gift awaiting them. And they are amazed. And the cry goes up around the ship;
“This is going straight to the pool room!”
Back on the bridge, the Chief’s of Operations and Safety have returned from the planet’s surface. Both men have retired to their ready rooms, drawn the curtains and told their Personal Assistants they are not to be disturbed. The Chief of Operations fulminates in his darkened office. He knows that not knowing the Launy Battle Tower was closed and a sector of the ship undefended is a textbook example of ineptness and incompetence. What’s worse is that it’s now permanently on the public record – available for anyone to use against him when the Captaincy of the Airservices next becomes available. Woe is him!
The Chief of Safety, however, is in a somewhat different mood. In fact, behind the closed curtains in his office he is dancing the way people dance when they think no one is looking. To say he is giddy with delight is to severely understate his state of mind. His is no feeling of woe. He makes a personal voice log entry:
“Chief Safety Officers Log – Stardate 190208 – Am feeling happier than I have in a long time. The wheel has turned again! Today, the man who the Captain favoured over me publicly humiliated himself in front of the Federation Senate. Lo, it was a sight to behold! He has proven he is not fit for command of the Airservices – he wasn’t even smart enough to say ‘It’s not my fault’ when his lack of knowledge was exposed. Has he learnt nothing from the Captain? He will never get the Captains recommendation now. HA! Log entry ends.”
Having heard the cries of delight from the crew when they received “Atmospherix” the Captain has decided to visit the engine rooms to soak up the crew’s admiration. He has as his guide a young Astronomically Larcenous Manager (ALM). Newly appointed, the ALM is keen to make a good impression on the man he admires so much. The ALM knows that he owes the Captain and Bridge Crew his promotion and stellar future. If it hadn’t been for their wonderful management of the Airservices he would have had to compete for his position with people far better qualified than he. Fortunately for him, good management ensured that no “living in the past” applicants even bothered applying – no matter how superior their qualifications. He knows the talk of a “shoot the messenger” culture on the ship is just the work of a few malcontents.
The young ALM and the Captain enter the Brisbane engine room. Appearing before them is row after row of crew at their consoles engaged in what appears to the Captain as some form of weird yoga-like activity. There are people in all sorts of contorted positions spread around the room.
“What is everybody doing?”, the Captain asks the young ALM.
The ALM, not being sure himself, quickly queries the nearest crewman and then responds to the Captain.
“Sir, after receiving your most excellent Atmospherix magazine the crew decided to make the effort to see the world from the Bridge Crew’s point of view.”
The Captain was pleased to hear this but, as he watched them, he still didn’t understand why the crew were twisting and turning themselves into new contortions.
“That’s wonderful, my boy, but what does all that twisting and turning have to do with it?”
Back to the nearest crewman goes the ALM. The crewman, having seen many Captains come and go during his 30 years service aboard the Airservices, answers using the language befitting a 30 year salty space dog.
Returning to the Captain the ALM seems slightly nervous but still keen to communicate in the open and honest way the bridge crew always say they encourage and deeply value. With absolute trust in the Captain and Bridge Crew he only slightly modifies the crewman’s answer:
“Errrr, Sir, the crew say they are making every effort to see things from the Bridge Crews point of view – they are attempting to insert their heads up their posteriors…”
“Oh.”
Epilogue:
In the dead of the following night a security team escorted the young ALM to a nearby airlock and “encouraged” him to expand his horizons by taking a walk into the -273 degree Celsius vacuum of space – without a spacesuit. He joined the hundreds of others who have taken the same walk from the Spacewreck Airservices during the current Captains command. Some say they are the lucky ones.