Just raked through my store of humorous ATC exchanges for a relevant one, which I've attached (plus several others that amuse me!!) <img src="smile.gif" border="0"> . .__________________________________________________
Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed: PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold. Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform. Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock. PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway. Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight. A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard: PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.. .__________________________________________________
Heard in the Bay Area yesterday: BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet." Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude." BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!" Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved.". .__________________________________________________
My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think up zingers at home and use 'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's working USA553 westbound and is about to turn him over to Cleveland... Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6. Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6! Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen! Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!. .__________________________________________________
Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week: (Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control) Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel. 33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet. approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this: Approach: United 5, descend to FL220. United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.. .__________________________________________________
Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt: PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45." Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna." Pause... PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." <img src="smile.gif" border="0"> . .__________________________________________________
Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec 1991. Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try.". .__________________________________________________
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself" . .__________________________________________________
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".. .__________________________________________________. .I went out to do some touch and goes today, and the ATIS ended with a slight twist...... "...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and altitude and you play golf." Coincidentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go. The exchange was; "Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern." [delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......] "Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's a scratch golfer." Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.. .__________________________________________________. .During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??".
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?". .__________________________________________________
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.