By Alan H. Hess. Originally published in Travel Weekly, October 1998.
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** Buying paint from a hardware store **
Customer: Hi, how much is your interior flat latex paint in Bone White?
Clerk: We have a medium quality, which is $16 a gallan, and premium,
which is $22 a gallon. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: I'll take five gallons of the medium quality, please.
Clerk: That will be $80 plus tax.
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** Buying paint from an airline **
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. W hen do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it mater to your whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all kinds of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules.
To be fair, the issue with airlines is to be found in any business today, and that is executives who are pulling in obscene renumeration packages, and think of nothing except their next bonus/share options etc. I think it was an old time Edwards test pilot who put it thus,
"We, the generation of the depression, World War II and the postwar technological explosion, were a unique group, As we shattered myth after myth, we also were sowing the seeds to meet our match. We were generating the bureaucracy that gave the keys to our decline to the trial lawyers and the MBAs and that has brought us almost to a Mexican standoff. Howerer, this coming great new generation will not tolerate their shenanigans for long, and we will once again begin to surprise ourselves at every turn by advancing aerospace."
"If the Wright brothers were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs." - Herb Kelleher, founder, Southwest Airlines