I'm a pilot, not a doctor.
Okay, for a start, stop thinking the blackest thoughts. All of the consequences are secondary, you need to beat the problem.
I see that you have taken a lot of advice, but tell us about the surgery.
I'm not sure why you feel that grommets will permanently damage your hearing. I have known several pilots with grommets and they didn't seem to have any hearing problems, certainly they kept their Class I over many years. I would have thought this would have been better than the problems you envisage.
However, firstly, are you applying techniques in the correct manner, and with enough force?
Although the Eustation tube is effectively a non-return valve, it may still be possible to help yourself by sniffing on the way up. By sniffing, I mean really doing it so hard you have to apologise to your colleagues before you do it! This is the good way round as anything coming out of the tube is a plus.
On the way down, holding your nose and gently blowing is of course something you will have tried. Sometimes, it has to be done quite hard. If nothing is happening, then it doesn't matter how hard you blow, (use a bit of common sense on this one) it's just that this way round you will be pumping any goo in the undesirable direction.
I have said a lot about salt in the past, from saving limbs to astonishing results for folk with M.E. Salt water gargles are easy...until you try to get some of the water up the tube. I have even hung off a chair so that I'm upside down for best results. Best keep your first attempts at this procedure totally private.
I have worked for a lot of companies that do not accept a cold as being an excuse for time off, and the results were horrible. Once, after days of pain, I started the saline treatment with almost immediate results. This all came about by some observation that people that swam in the sea did not have the problems that others did. Not very good science, but it worked for me many times over 40 years of flying.