Ancient Mariner
If that's your criteria for The Captain, then good luck to you.
We hope you get there safely as he probably looks good, clean, nice hat and very super-manly!
The fact that he ponces around in a shiny sexy uniform is also a good reason to believe he's The Captain.
I say The Captain is the one that can talk to his passengers (all of them at once and not to just a few at the time), from his assigned and 'trained for' position on the aircraft. He tells it like it is and that's the end of his show!
Any other sad theatrics are not part of the job or the training we get. I believe I can do a PA as good as anyone and I don't feel the need to hug my passengers!
Yuk.