detmold..stardate who gives a ****
oz exchange offr asks gz flt comdr and 1 other to take oz tankie cpl flying...no probs he's told. oz cpl (to be known as Bruce from here on) turns up and meets crew..a SSgt and a Sgt. bruce assumes ssgt is pilot & sgt is a crewman..and ignores sgt who is actually AC. off they go for a bimble. after 10 minutes or so AC asks if he can have a go on the sticks again. HP after much thought explains to bruce that there had been a slight accident last time lhs had been allowed to fly but he thought it would do him good to get his hand back on the stick again before he goes on his pilots course. Bruce slightly alarmed agrees to it after much reasurrance from HP. so control is handed over and the ac starts to pitch and roll around the sky under supervision from rhs.
Eventually some sort of control is regained and things settle down. conversation gets on to previous nites flying and how a very expensive nvg torch had been lost in a field, its was agreed that they should go and have a look for it, so a very dodgey approach was made by the ac to a very large field not too far from an ammo compound on the side of a hill. RHS explains to bruce that he is going to look for said torch and instructs LHS not to do anything whilst ensuring his harness is done up and door shut. off goes SSgt to look.
meantime lhs tells bruce that he thinks he can see the torch and was going to move for a better look........... bruce says he thinks this is a very very bad idea which is quickly confirmed as the aircraft lurches into the air, turbine squealing and proceeds down the field sideways at an alarming rate with the pilot assuring him that all is well, at the end of the field a full power climb is initiated to about 400ft whereupon the pilot declares to bruce (in a very shrill voice) he has lost it and throws in a very out of balance wingover, stuffs the nose down and screams "we're all going to die" as they race towards the deck.
Bruce by this stage has nearly ripped the pilots seat out of the floor with the vulcan death grip and is screaming just as loud for the pilot to do something, having watched the pilot being given effects of control lessons before he has enough presense of mind to tell him to pull the middle stick back and level the aircraft. this is duly done and the aircraft levels out just above the field and bruce is able to instruct the pilot how to slow down allowing them to come to a very bumpy run on landing.
the SSgt who was seen to be jumping up and down in the field screaming at the pilot come running over to see a very pale bruce almost in tears in the back seat. Jumping in and assuming control he berates the pilot for being so stupid and sets off home. on the way he asks bruce if its ok for lhs to have another go on the sticks just to get his confidence back, bruce isnt convinced but after a bit of persuasion agrees and a very shaky pilot takes over. as they chat the flying gets better and better and soon the lhs is performing all sorts of very smooth almost pilot like manoervers. Bruce fails to take in the ssgt telling him on a number of occasions that unlike the oz army the brits fly with 2 fully trained....ish.. pilots up front.
suddenly the penny drops and a most indignant bruce utters something about pommie bastards much to the merriment of the 2 scrotes up front. on arrival at detmold bruce departs before the rotors stop and without as much as a thank you.
witnesses in the crewroom were very surprised when an oz cpl storms into the crewroom, helps himself to a beer out of the fridge, downs it in one, throws the bottle in the corner and rushes out without a word. Just goes to show these bloody colonials have no manners whatsoever.
meantime 2 very amused pilots up on the pan were discussing their latest wizard wheeze, after seeing the funny side of it thoughts turned to what ifs......ie bruce had grabbed the controls or the pilot...worse still, what if he had had a heart attack
the only thing they could think of in that scenario would have been walking bruce down the pan between them and dumping him in the big green wheelie bin and insisting he had been ok when he left the aircraft.
it just goes to show how ungrateful some people can be though
Seriously though...if you are ever tempted to try something like this again,,,,,,,,,,,,,make sure there is a f***ing big wheelie bin around when you get back
