I don't know if this will help or is even relevant but here goes.
Last year as some of you know, I had a close shave (thanks to an errant engine and some clouds obscuring the ground). The full story of that is in the Scariest moment in a helo thread.
I didn't realise it had bothered me until a week later, we had arranged to borrow another aircraft of the same type for me to take the boss home.
I arrived in good time (about 2hrs early) to collect the aircraft and put my gear in it. I walked out onto the apron and as I approached the helicopter I felt quite strange, I opened the door and found myself looking for something to find wrong with the helicopter (which had been A checked by an engineer, and was in a very good state of repair as it always is). I went back into the ops dept a couple of times, trying to find a reason not to go.
I was due to depart at about 1730 (just before dark) and go to Battersea. The phone goes and we are delayed.
So now my first trip after last weeks crisis is in the dark in a machine i've flown once before and I don't want to go.
I found myself in a very strange place where I know that last weeks experience is not the norm, but the effort involved in getting back in the pilots was one of the hardest things i've ever done.
I did end up going, I took the helicopter out into the local area and just did a little bit of general handling, but i was still working very hard the
unconscious competence (I think thats what they call it) had gone, I was back flying like a 100hr PPL(don't start and argument over this I know what I mean i.e. can do it, but working hard). Get to Battersea. Sorry we are full they say , can you land on one end of the platform and shutdown (deep joy, normally no problem).
I walked into the 'Terminal' at Battersea, spotted a couple of familiar faces pretended everything was ok and calmed down.
That was the last time I had any trouble with it. I got back into the helicopter and departed Batts about half an hour later. Flew an hour and a half to destination and chatted it over with the Boss. It was good to have someone (anyone) to talk to about it.
I now understand why a lot of people recommend 'Getting back in the saddle' with someone you know or someone more experienced.
I can also appreciate why some people choose not to carry on flying after such an event.
I can genuinely say that I had no idea that I was going to feel apprehensive as I walked out the aircraft that afternoon, and If I had known I'd have gone out and done a couple of circuits with one of the boys during the week. But you do live and learn. I think my judgement was probably clouded that day, and I just didn't realise it.
If you want to chat about it, PM me and I'll bend your ear over it.
I am now very glad that i've kept doing what I do, and I do know that none of us is invincible, but a lot of the things that can go wrong you can train for and deal with when they do happen.
Thats about as honest an admission of cowardice you'll ever get from a helicopter pilot.
Builtenzorg makes a good point above, the only right decision is the one you make for you.
V.