Total Lost, I personally feel it is insulting to make false claims against my organization. My right hand boy, CP Standards, is still at the helms and doing such an excellent job. Our CP Safety is also doing an amazing job in keeping our incidents hush hush from the general public.
We at Transmike are the best in the business in providing cheap cargo service and my job is to make sure everyone gets paid like peanuts and to make my highly overpaid-overcomplained pilots and office staff work like slaves.
You see, we are the best because we employ some capts who can make a difference. Like telling Mr M.D. to take a hike with limitations as we can land the plane exceeding the crosswind limits on a wet runway in a stormy night while others have either cancelled or diverted. Or how we can land the MD exactly like a 747 in a crosswind - we are the first MD11 operator to push our planes to the limit. Our copilots dont know anything better so
they wont know the difference between right or wrong.
Our CP Standards has proven that again taking off with dry charts instead of wet charts when the weather outside was raining and wet. What is the chances of having an engine failure on takeoff right as he said? You see, we think MR M.D. spent too much time wasting money on performance charts and testing. Again we believe wet and contaminated are the same thing...just different wording. The MD11 has 3 really big engines with lots of power.
QFE and QNH again to us are same things. Ignore the GPWS as normally our CP Safety and Standards believes it's a sensing problem. That goes the same for brake overheat. Any alerts are simply sensing problems and can be ignored. But I guess there was only 1 time when our CP Safety didnt think it was a sensing problem when the low fuel alert came on descending to LAX but then again, with his superior piloting skills, we had no doubts he
beat the odds of survival (again) because he used to be in live combat missions dropping live bombs - we had no abouts he can pull off another safe mission.
The CP Standards favourite buttons on his computer are Ctrl C and Ctrl V. Just check out the magnificent countless winter procedure manuals and "M.C's SOPs" he has produced. Let's not forget he knows everything about flying and will only do things his way and it's the only way. I am so proud of my whipping boy.
Again, we tell MR M.D. to throw away his limitations on this aircraft. Slats according to wikipedia are small aerodynamic surfaces. Small to me are insignificant. We encourage our pilots to use whenever they like and disregard the limitations. We wanted to see if MR M.D.'s limitations were accurate so we got one of our F50 pilot to extend his slats at altitude way before it is time to descend. And to our observation, no parts fell off the
wing. He's so good that CP Standards had to promote him.
This same pilot also enhanced our CP Instructor's stalling flying skills by giving him a "clean" airplane during a heavy takeoff, low altitude situation. In Transmike, we know that the F50 is an upgrade of the F5 fighter.
We strive to have good and safe landings all the time. Safe landing is any landing our highly trained capts are learned to do - the save face method. Land at all costs - even a 2.4G landing with the comm antennae broken off is a stable landing according to our CP Safety. Tailstrike is when 2 kangaroos standing on their tails playing by themselves. Go around is considered an extremely special but rare procedure which we management do not encourage, especially in thunderstorm conditions. The aircraft is tough - made of metal. Afterall, boxes are boxes only.
We love to do things with the glass half empty or half full. There is no significance whether our manually drawn loadsheets are in KGs and LBS. According to our CP Safety, he, I mean we, will never make mistakes - that's how good we are. Did I mention we have the best maintenance around? Best meaning we were able to get parts from other lower reputable companies like Fedex, UPS, and EVA that we dont have to pay for our own parts ourselves - now that's how to succeed and making Mr Big G happy. When Big G is happy, the superior managers like me gets all the perks - free trips, free car, a real payrise, and a big comfortable airconditioned office.
To be environmentally friendly to our planet, we love to jettison fuel in the air for fun. One of our highly trained Captains took as much fuel as he wanted (again, we at Transmike condone this behaviour) and to his amazement, was above the Max Landing Weight. No problem, to save face, wait for the copilot to occupy the men's room and off goes the fuel. You see it evaporates and we can all breathe easier.
We strive to promote within...especially if you can show management that you are always dumber than we are. We love our pilots to think that they are stupid and naive and Transmike is the best and only superior organization to work for. We told our copilots to not have it "so easy" - they must work hard and we show our appreciation by giving these kids a $5RM raise. Their stupidity let them to accept the $5RM payrise and once again I made sure they feel weak and stupid. We provide premium luxury carrots for them while my partner, CP Standards, strive to be the nice guy by pleasing our hard working junior Transmike pilots a chance for promotion..haha..dream on. The copilots must understand that screwups are encouraged, allowed, and safe. The more screwups, the more points allocated for a genuine promotion. To all my copilots, remember, screwups means you make yourself look dumber than me and the CP Standards and that's a good thing in Transmike. We want you to feel inferior, insecure, and weak.
Not convinced yet? Our highly trained capts never fail a check. In fact, they dont even need to study for one. The copilots however will be commented if they display any lack of CRM and knowledge skills. Our capts are like superman too. Some can even go beyond the call of duty by extending duty hours beyond the legal limit. An extension on top of an
extension. In fact, we used to dispatch flights knowing we need to extend the flight duty period on purpose...but our pilots never figured our grand plan out! That's why we love the DCA so much; their dispensation are like lottery tickets.
For those who plan to leave us, how dare you? We are the best and we will haunt you down and screw your new career up with whoever you are joining. Our wall of casualties speaks for itself. We love to do such nice things to people that we actually promote this practice and we are proud of it. I dont really follow what's on black and white because I I know I can get away with it..afterall I am in Malaysia. My hunger for power and ego drives me to do alot of crazy things. We will hold your 2 months salary if you leave the proper way - we only know how to play childish games; that's what we are only good at - and yes, I can still sleep at night comfortably! Even the circus cannot duplicate my performance. So we ask our pilots not to give 24 hours notice because I cant justify to Big G the losses due to one of the numerous screwups I have done since I joined Transmike.
Anyways, my pilots are all overpaid because all they do is sit there and drink powered nescafe while munching away on those delicious luxury crackers and bitching at me and the company. We give them payrises and they still complain. A $5RM payrise to the copilots is alot already - greedy kids. But, just ask any of my staff who loves to work for me. I am not as stupid as I look and I claim to know everything. I am so smart that I get everyone to do my dirty work for me. You see, as a princess, I can never get my hands dirty.
Transmike to me is like the factory I used to run - and that's how it should be run. Labour codes doesn't exist under my reign - there's no need for them or to do things legally. Furthermore, nothing makes me more happier than seeing my CP Standards and myself get nice bonuses from Big G while the rest of my slaves work hard for me. Oh before I forget, while our overpaid pilots were making money Transmike last year, I get to go to Alaska with my CP Standards and Big G - everything on the house, and I caught the biggest fish!
The future is bright. Our 747-400s, 767s, A300s, and MD12s are coming. So please signup and have the time of your life. Come stupid...Best of all, you are entitled to our free lunch coupons at our cafeteria as an added bonus.