Monty Pythons Dead Airline Sketch
Monty Pythons Dead Airline Sketch
John Cleese
HONEST PADDY OF WATERWORLD AIRLINE EMPORIUM
Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters ‘Honest Paddy's' airline emporium.
Monsieur F.B: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Honest Paddy does not respond, and looks shifty.)
Monsieur F.B: 'Ello, I wish to make a complaint!
Honest Paddy: We're closin' for lunch.
Monsieur F.B: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this airline what I purchased not half a week ago from this very boutique.
Honest Paddy: Oh yes, the, uh, the BA Connect...What's wrong with it?
Monsieur F.B: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. Its dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Honest Paddy: No, no, its uh,...its resting.
Monsieur F.B: Look, matey, I know a dead airline when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Honest Paddy: No no its not dead, its restin'! Remarkable airline the BA Connect - Beautiful hexperienced flight crews!
Monsieur F.B: The flight crews don't enter into it, they’ve all turned orange and disappeared. It's stone dead.
Honest Paddy: Nononono, no, no! 'They’re resting!
Monsieur F.B: All right then, if they’re restin', I'll wake them up! (picks up phone, dials crew room) 'Ello, BA Connect flight crews! I've got some lovely new routes for you.
(Honest Paddy shouts “hello” out of corner of mouth pretending to be answering the phone)
Honest Paddy: There, they answered!
Monsieur F.B: No, they didn't, that was you pretending to answer!
Honest Paddy: I never!!
Monsieur F.B: Yes, you did!
Honest Paddy: I never, never did anything...
Monsieur F.B: (yelling and banging the phone hand piece repeatedly) 'ELLO BA CONNECT CREWS!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!......... Now that's what I call a dead airline.
Honest Paddy: No, no.....No, they’re stunned!
Monsieur F.B: STUNNED?!?
Honest Paddy: Yeah! You stunned them by taking away their scheduling agreement! BA Connect pilots stun easily, major.
Monsieur F.B: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That airline is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf a week ago, you assured me that it had lots of pilots.
Honest Paddy: Well, they’re...they’re ah...probably pining for their scheduling agreement.
Monsieur F.B: PININ' for the scheduling agreement?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, I took the liberty of examining this airline when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it was still keeping crews was that you’d promised them two full years to sort it out.
(pause)
Honest Paddy: Well, o'course I had to promise them two years! If I hadn't been economical with the truth they'd have all pushed off long ago - VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Monsieur F.B: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this airline wouldn't have enough pilots to go "voom" even if you cancelled loads of flights, mothballed aircraft, and closed bases! Its bleedin' demised!
Honest Paddy: No no! They’re pining!
Monsieur F.B: They’re not pinin'! Its passed on! This airline is no more! Its expired and gone to meet 'is maker! Its a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! Its off the twig! Its kicked the bucket, Its shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the AOG operation in the sky!! THIS IS AN EX-AIRLINE!! IT HAS CEASED TO FLY BE
(pause)
Honest Paddy: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look round and uh, we're right out of regional operators, an I got shot of B-Med a couple of weeks back.
Monsieur F.B: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Honest Paddy: I got a GB Airways.
(pause)
Monsieur F.B: Pray, does it operate regional aircraft?
Honest Paddy: Nnnnot really.
Monsieur F.B: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Honest Paddy: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Monsieur F.B: Well.
(pause)
Honest Paddy: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place? I think out the back I’ve got a Gatwick operation I was thinking of getting rid of.
Monsieur F.B: (looks around) Yeah, all right….. if you bung me another couple of million to take it off your hands.