Couldn't find the link by searching PPRuNe. It's been posted before, but had me in stitches when I first saw this:
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TRANSPORT PILOT
0700L - Woken by telephone call. It's another crew member reminding you that wheels are at 0700L.
0700.5L - Leave hotel room fully clothed, refreshed, with bags packed, ready to face the day's challenges.
0705L - Get to bus. Apologise to rest of your crew for your tardiness. Claim that you spent too long in the gym that morning. Note looks of disbelief. Remember not to use that excuse again.
0706L - Take seat on bus. Note t-shirt is on inside out. Hope nobody else notices.
0720L - Recline in air conditioned luxury as the bus propels you to the airport. Suspect that you didn't pack your shoes and that your washbag is still in the hotel bathroom.
0745L - Arrive at airport and debus. Note that suitcase is suspiciously light. Now fairly confident that shoes are still under hotel bed.
0800L - Negotiate airport security. Spend several minutes being told that you cannot take the knife on your flying suit onto the aircraft without the captain's permission. Explain that you are the captain.
0810L - Still negotiating airport security. Guard now on telephone to superiors. Suspect he does not believe that you are the captain. Remember t-shirt is on inside out. Now suspect that you have also not brushed your hair this morning. Try to see reflection in window to confirm. Get funny looks from guard.
0815L - Eventually allowed to pass on the understanding that you hand the knife to loadmaster for safe keeping until you reach the aircraft. Leave knife and now worryingly light suitcase with loadmaster and proceed to Met.
0820L - In depth met brief for 15 minutes as very keen met officer explains that there is in fact no weather within a 500nm radius of the airport or your destination.
0835L - extract a selection of performance figures from a variety of graphs.
0845L - compare selection of figures with those of co-pilot. Decide that they're close enough although suspect that the co-pilot isn't entirely sure what's going on.
0850L - The cause of the co-pilot's distraction becomes apparent when he announces that he has left the imprest in the hotel safe.
0853L - stop laughing to take a breath.
0854L - Co-pilot disappears to find taxi back to hotel. Decide that you've briefed enough and head out to the aircraft.
0858L - Arrive at aircraft. Loadmaster now extremely hot and sweaty manhandling pallets single handedly into aircraft, cursing the local handling staff. Praise him for his hard work. Pretend to miss his request for help and proceed outside hastily. Spot Flt Eng and GE looking concernedly at a large trail of orange fluid emanating from an engine. Saunter over casually to join them but they spot you and pretend they were talking about football. Mention the large leak. Note they both feign surprise and pretend they hadn't seen it. They dismiss it as a "seep". Retire to flight deck safe in the knowledge that they will die with you if it explodes in flight so assume that it'll probably be alright. Note tray of sandwiches on flt deck bunk.
0910L - Finish last smoked salmon and cream cheese baguette just as the now exhausted loadmaster joins you on the flight deck. Apparently he could really do with a smoked salmon baguette. State that sadly there were none. Surreptitiously wipe cream cheese and salmon from your chin and hope he didn't notice. Offer him processed ham and gherkin sandwich. He declines.
0925L - Co-pilot returns looking somewhat frustrated. Establish that imprest had in fact been in his suitcase all along.
0935L - Call for crew check in on intercom then realise you are in fact the only one on headset. Again, hope no-one noticed. Eventually gather enough people on intercom.
0937L - Commence starting checks. During start a light on the top panel comes on. Remember seeing this light during a simulator once but cannot recall what exactly it is. Flt Eng begins explaining an electrical fault with the aid of a large wiring diagram. Nod every now and then and agree with him at salient points. Wonder if you shaved this morning.
0940L - Fault rectified, taxy off blocks. Only 10 minutes late. Not bad going.
0941L - ATC pass lengthy clearance. Note the co-pilot copies down "ATC Clears Ascot 5432 to destination..." and then nothing else. ATC requests readback. Co-pilot asks - "did anybody get that". Navigator proceeds to pass the details to him. Flt Eng assists by commenting that he thought the clearance was slightly different. Flt Eng and Navigator argue. Co-pilot drops pencil. You note that your cup of tea has gone cold.
0945L - Cleared line up.
0946L - Airborne. Gear up. Now positive that your shoes are still in hotel.
1100L – Top of climb. Autopilot appears to be u/s. Express relief that it’s the co-pilot’s leg.
1115L – Commence first meal.
1130L – Replete from meal, retire to freight bay to use the “facilities”. On return, note large pallet of full mail bags. A quick test reveals the pile to extremely comfortable. Relax eyelids briefly.
1400L - Return to flight deck to find co-pilot now desperate to use “facilities”. Explain that you were delayed discussing your routing with some of the pax down the back. Take control.
1405L – Co-pilot returns. Comments that the passengers must all be asleep in the freight now as he couldn’t see them. Remember vaguely that you actually have no pax.
1415L – Pass overhead large international airport. Nil cloud or weather, calm, unlimited visibility. Co-pilot asks you get the weather for the airfield below. Look out window. Navigator asks for the QNH there. Make up figure.
1500L – Get cramp. Go to “inspect the freight bay”. Discover that loadmaster has been hoarding chocolate in his drawer in the galley. Steal the good ones.
1520L – Steal Flt Eng’s FHM. Read out the jokes at the back. Flt Eng comments that they have already been read out earlier in the flight. Look busy with Jetplan.
1600L – Top of descent.
1615L – Commence second meal. Spill curry on flying suit leg when putting the gear down.
1630L – Aircraft lands at destination.
1640L – On chocks. Aircraft met by officious customs man who demands that the can of coke you are now drinking from be destroyed before you can leave the aircraft.
1830L – Eventually find bus to take crew to hotel. Despite having been on the ground for 1.5hrs it still takes 30 minutes for every man and his dog to get on the bus.
1915L – Arrive at Hotel Splendide. Receptionist requires passports, ID cards and birth certificates from each crew member.
1957L – Eventually receive room key. Arrange to meet in co-pilots room in 10 minutes for more money.
2006L – Finally get to room. Happens to be most distant room from reception. Again. Open suitcase. As expected no shoes. Or washbag. Find trousers that go best with flying boots.
2008L – Arrive one minute late at co-pilot’s room to discover he has gone. Adjourn to hotel bar. Crew member visited this location 7 years ago. Remembers a fantastic bar. Set out to find bar.
2230L – Arrive back at hotel bar having walked around city centre twice in search of bar. Crew member then remembers that in fact the bar wasn’t in this town but one like it. Blow entire kitty on one round of beers at hotel prices.
2345L – GE gets address of low quality strip bar from hotel barman. You decide it’s bedtime. Crew members engage in harsh banter. You hold your ground.
2346L – Leave hotel for low quality strip bar. Evening becomes a blur……….
0700L – Woken by telephone call……………………..