Owww Tallulah honey!! I has tears in my eyes reading your post@
I would love to say that I understand how you must be feeling, but I honestly have no idea! I haven't been crew for 2 years, but (hopefully) I will be very soon, so I can understand when you say you look up to the sky and wish you were onboard the aircraft, it's a horrid feeling!!
Have you considered working as ground crew?? I know it's not as ''glam'' but every day/week is different, the hours are all over the shop, and the team are all very ''crewie'' too!! It's a really rewarding job too, where you DO get a chance to make all the difference, and most of the buzz and excitement!!
I wish you all the best in finding something right for you babe, if you are interested I could point you to a few websites???
Tom xx