How can one be bored?
This thread is soooooo good, I can't help joining the pack for a good howling.
I feel a bit shy though and ashamed to come and say the truth about my activities on a long haul flight, as they are really not half as funny as yours.
After the top of climb, I start by consciously analysing each and every one of the lower eicas pages, with a loooooog staring at the door page, until either a door open indication appears or the screen blanks on its own.
Then I take the paper work out of the hands of Nigel-amnida, and fill up thouroughly all the blanks, i.e. eta's FL's, fuels etc...TWICE. Then comes the tech log and the pilot reports, the latter requiring a lot of concentration and imagination. Two or three pages on this report will take me to one third of the cruise, and the satisfaction that it will ennoy terribly the chief pilots assistant who has to read it. Time for meal: ten minutes fiddling in the galleys, programming the ovens, choosing a drink in the fridge; that would p1$$ off Mrs Butterfly. After that, back to the paper work with a light humming sound till Nigel falls asleep. Adjust his head rest so he won't choke from his adam apple, switch off his receivers and dim his panel lights and I am ready for some fun.
First punch 23 spaces in his MCDU, so he will think it is bust when he wakes up and the plane is totally mine! Then add 20.000lbs in the ZFW, so he won't start climbing above the altitude I have decided to fly while I go sleep. Finally, move the destination approach plate of his route book in another place, so he will have to yield his sector's approach and landing.
Meal is ready, and as Nigel is still sleeping, I get all the ice cream for myself, and an excuse to keep the new Javanese trainee CC in the cockpit, for p1$$ed off Mrs.Butterfly won't talk to me for the rest of the trip; She has kimchi-garlic breath anyway. The Javanese CC's name is too long for this thread, so I'll call her Foossy. She has to stay in the cockpit as long as Nigel sleeps, for obvious safety reasons, and that will give me a chance to tell you that it is none of your business what we end up talking about. Nigel wakes up just in time for my rest time. I am not sleepy, so he can (has to) take second rest period, won't be able to sleep and will be knocked out for descent and approach. One out, one to go.
Senior Nigel-aseoo takes his seat and goes straight to sleep without any tricks on my part, as he took first rest period without being sleepy and spent 3and1/2 hours in first class, watching "Friends" three times (subtitles were in German) and a complete report on the sexual fantasies of Kim Jong Il. Foosy has to stay in the cockpit to keep me awake. Goes and get me some green tea, ice cream, hot towels and ends up giving me shoulder massage. Prelude to lay-over. Nigel-aseo wakes up for bladder call. Suggest I should request climb. Too heavy, we stay. Does not believe me and checks MCDU. Strange figures. Not a word. Goes to pee, comes back in his seat and falls asleep before his seat belt is locked. Foossy has left my shoulders and is now massaging more and more mildly my neck. Too much tail wind. Changes cost index from 150 to 60. Foossy has moved back to the CM3 seat. She does not wear those §#*$& support tights, but real genuine parisian suspenders. At the hotel, she will share the room with her class mate. She poo' gi'l. Boy fliend no goood wid he'. Need kind man. OK, Cost index back to 200 and hurry now.
Rest time for Sir. Sir will go sleep on a crow bar. No good for morale. Sir takes the FOM with him in the bunk coz he forgot his melatonine.
Slept like a log without tech stop. Mrs. Butterfly is in the flight deck keeping Nigel-aseoo and Nigel-amnida awake, all three smoking fermented menure, with the smoke evac vent full open. IMC inside the cockpit.
Taking back my seat, ZFW back to the initial one, and enjoying the one hour flight left to landing, well rested, alone, happy. Had no TV, no Nintendo, no e-mail from my wife to answer, no Pat-Pong floor show, but did I enjoy this flight!
How can you guys get bored on a long haul flight?
L
PS, all this is seriously true, except the part with Foossy suspenders: She wore self holding stockings.