Guide to airport staff Part 2
Security Staff at X-Ray Machines
These are the prime infantry in the fight against international terrorism, and act accordingly. From the moment you start to queue for the security check, all state, federal, and national law, and all fundamental human rights cease to exist until you leave the airport at the other end of the trip (or later if you are going to Singapore). You are now in a jurisdiction called "Airlinia". The laws in Airlinia are largely made up on the spot to amuse staff, by creating fictitious security or safety risks. To be allowed entry to Airlinia, you need to be fully scanned and searched for electronic goods, defective laptop PCs, anything metallic, and neatly packed suitcases.
Police Officers
Police officers wander around airports looking for somewhere to eat donuts and drink coffee, as these are high risk crime areas.
Hare Krishnas
To entertain travellers, airports regularly provide a Hare Krishna band. These people are carefully selected by Airport Entertainments Inc for their ability to discuss things like karma, sublime
consciousness and chicken biryani for hours at a time. Upon retirement, Hare Krishna employees frequently get elected to government or get senior jobs with advertising agencies. A few become pilots of regional jets.
Undercover Police Officers
See Hare Krishnas.
Undercover DEA, FBI Agents
Wear black jackets with DEA or FBI in 16" high fluorescent letters on the back.
Duty Free Shop Staff
"Dutigh Freaigh" is the old Celtic phrase for extortion. Two categories of staff here. "The Hapless" covers most of them. Can be recognised easily because they are paid next to nothing to stand around squirting perfume at people. They also sneeze frequently.
"The Innumerate" who work on the till. Every time an Amex card is proffered, they look at it in astonishment.
Most Duty Free staff harbour a grudge against the government because they failed the final NASA selection panel for the Space Shuttle program.
Gate Staff
Gate staff are phenomenally important because they work *close to aircraft*. They are in the top 0.05% of the world's intellectual elite, although they choose never to use their portfolio of foreign language abilities, powers of logic, numerical capability, or compassion. Most US presidents, UN secretary generals, NATO commanders and astronauts started off as gate staff.
Gate staff make announcements like: "Uniyyyydsssscc annnounssss fliy seebrnbnnnbb-two-ssshhhhh wwwwwwagshhhshDC shhsue sshue hisssssss shhhh hissss should not board now". This is not a tannoy problem, they really do talk like this, even at home.
Gate staff are able to spot people breaking the laws of Airlinia from a distance. There are many laws in Gateopia county: for example, using a Walkman while reading a newspaper, not understanding the tannoy, being a first time flyer, being a foreigner, not being a foreigner, walking while chewing gum, asking questions about the flight, mentioning Kapton. Some laws are valid only at certain times: having children, not having children, being a Coach passenger, etc.
Gate staff always work in a small group, except at Thanksgiving (or Bank Holiday Weekends in Britain). The proper collective name is 'a confusion of gate staff'.
Gate staff are the sworn enemies of flight attendants. Gate staff generally failed the selection test for Duty Free Shop staff *and* Flight Attendants. At the panel, they were incapable of pointing two hands at doors and could only serve food by standing behind a counter and throwing the trays at people.
Flight Attendants
Recognised by their generally supercilious behaviour, especially towards gate staff. If a ramp agent comes on board, there is usually a fight. "We counted 216!" "Well *we* counted 217, you bitch!" "Can't you half-wits count anything" "We'll have to count all the bastards again then" "Bitch" "Cow" (all the time they are smiling at each other and passengers).
FAs can be either male or female or somewhere in between, and passengers need to exercise care when addressing them. Statistically, to be on the safe side, call them all "Miss".
FAs are gate staff with attitude, and it is the only profession where when presented with a paper bag of unwanted bodily fluid, they will smile and say "Thank You". Between flights some FAs are known to accept unwanted bodily fluids in plastic bags from other crew members. On older aircraft the safety announcement is performed live. It is a choreographed dance involving pointing, life jackets, and more
pointing. FAs spend 20 minutes learning this in training, followed by 6 months learning how to programme the inflight VCR so that the last 5 minutes of each film is missed.
FAs come in several categories:
"The Newbie" who is genuinely helpful, kind and friendly but only manages to serve the first three rows by the time you are approaching Osaka from Chicago.
"The Standard" is withering, efficient, chosen either for having perky breasts or a great butt. These features are both available in the male or female versions.
"The Mom" now in vogue for their ability to treat you like dirt, but you accept it because she's *just* like Margaret who lived opposite you when you were a teenager.
"The Wicked Wascal" the cheery, light hearted male FA who always winks at you, licks his lips a lot, and giggles frequently.
"The Purser" who is there to single handedly deter potential hijackers. Pursers are frequently used to guard the plane at remote overnight stops.
Pilots
As always, several versions.
Pilots are a law unto themselves. Period. They are virile, handsome, have deep voices, are totally masculine, have a dry sense of humour, and can rattle off a sentence with three hundred words flawlessly, even without the benefit of any verbs. Pilots stand at urinals and compare the size of their planes with each other.
First pilot: "I'm on the 747-200 now. And you?"
Seond pilot <gulp, instantly depressed> "Still driving the 727 outta Houston....Ziiiiiip.....Yours a -200 or a 200F?"
First pilot <caught out>: "Yep, the 200F. Important freight though" Second pilot <smiling now>: "Surprised you're up during daylight hours then"
See? A draw, more or less.
There are two main categories of pilots, Captains and First Officers. Captains are God's gift to women, *especially* when they fly an aircraft that requires their input at any time during their shift, say an older 737, anything by McDonnell Douglas or Tupolev.
Captains are always right, especially when on finals when windshear has been reported and other aircraft are diverting elsewhere.
As, for some strange reason, most captains are short, they wear grubby little caps with some gold lame and bits of theatrical braid. The caps may never be taken off, and they wear them to bed, in the pool, and when skiing.
Captains make all the decisions on flights. As most current airliners are easier to operate than most ATMs, there are few decisions to make. Their main job now is to negotiate a departure time from Air Traffic Control. Under FAA rules, earliest departure times go to pilots with the deepest, most distinguished voice.
First Officers are trainee captains, they are still doing Arrogance 101 and Choice of Dessert courses at night, but in the meantime they do most of the work considered unbecoming for a captain.
The First Officer walks around the aircraft to check that there are no scratches, and that the plane still has at least 30% of engines attached. A curious ritual is that if the wing is low down, he will always want to jump up and touch it. Presumably this is to check it is still correctly attached. The First Officer's cap is always too big for his head: he is thinking ahead to when he will become captain and his head will fill out nicely. It is customary for the First Officer to do landings only when there is a chance of something going wrong, and on all charter flights. You can recognise a 'First Officer Landing' by the fact that he starts to flare over the outer marker yet still manages to land long with a tremendous bang. If it is known before that the First Officer is to be flying a sector, maintenance may be asked to fit several of the engines backwards to assist braking.
There is little love lost between captains and first officers. If you are sitting near the cockpit, you will know that the first officer is landing the plane because you can hear the Captain humiliating him seconds before touchdown, saying "Retard! Retard!"
There are some airport staff you will not see or meet, but who are essential to your flight.
Line Maintenance Engineer
He makes minor repairs to the aircraft. For instance, if the Captain's vanity mirror is broken, the Line Maintenance Engineer is called. Typically his office is some distance from the aircraft, sometimes even in a different state. He will travel to the aircraft as soon as he is paged, using the subway or express bus. He will arrive, check the pilots assessment of the problem, say "Vanity mirror's broken, bud" and return to his office to get a new one.
Air Traffic Controller
These are calm, collected individuals who behave rationally and logically, but with no sense of humour. Their calmness counterbalances the rest of the transportation system.
They communicate to the pilots using codewords. The communication is always concise, clipped, professional, e.g.
ATC: "Continental 216, say altitude"
Continental 216: "Ah....A-L-T-I-T-U-D-E"
ATC: "Continental 216, say V-I-O-L-A-T-I-O-N"
See? Concise and professional.