Guide to airport staff Part 1
Long Term Car Park Attendants
There will be an illiterate man sitting in a booth at the entrance, some three miles away from where your car is parked. His job is primarily as ballast to prevent the booth being swept away by the strong winds found only in large airport carparks. He does not actually realise he works at an airport car park. He is not happy with the cable TV in his booth which shows only the 'Parked Automobile' channel and only in black and white at that. He knows nothing about the local road network. If you persist in asking directions, he will be forced to phone his supervisor in Cincinatti for help.
Long Term Car Park Busdriver
Sadly this is the only happy person you will meet on your entire journey, other than the Hare Krishnas. He will call you "Bud" or "Jack", and will have a long drawn out chuckle. You always feel that he knows something you do not: "How long will it take to get to the United terminal, sir?" Response - "Ho ho ho ho ho" - long pause - "not long, bud." - pause - "Ho ho ho ho"
Car Rental Return Staff
Always headhunted from McDonalds, and renowned for their ability to deal only with objects arranged in straight lines. They will use a portable machine to print out your receipt, which is designed to fade to illegibility within eight hours. Like car park attendants, these people are unaware that they work at or near an airport, they just know they can walk to work from home.
Car Rental Bus Driver
These middle managers of the car rental business are paid to watch you climb a step ladder up to the floor level of the bus with your three suitcases, then watch you struggle to lift your bags into a steel cage a further three feet higher. If possible they will depart mid way through your mountaineering exercise, leaving at least one of your bags on the sidewalk. They are chosen for their ability to swing the bus round corners at high speed so propelling your bags into the laps of 'grandparents' sitting opposite. This is not a problem (see FAQ on Passengers).
At the terminal, he will park hard up against a stretch limo. They also manage to stop the bus by the door for the least used airline at the terminal (Icelandair, Ghana Airways, etc) leaving you a ten minute struggle through the crowds to United, Delta, BA, etc.
Skycaps
Recognisable by their gaudy outfits (but not to be confused with fellow passengers on their way to Las Vegas), these are extremely elderly gentlemen who were considered medically unfit to be car park attendants. They have a further medical condition requiring them to always wear their smart cap pushed well back on their head. (Do not confuse them with First Officers) This enables them to scratch their head when you say "Delta" or "Continental". Although they must do this walk at least four times a day, it still appears to be confusing. These people are generally miserable with whatever you tip them, even if you accidentally give them twelve thousand dollars.
Check In Staff
Rejected as being troublemakers by Lucifer, check in staff are employed to offer you all the customer features invented by the marketing department. "The Wait" (TM) is a service feature enabling you to meet other fellow passengers for an hour. "The Extended Wait" is *only* available during school holidays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. For some reasons, airlines do not have this feature at competitors major hubs.
Check in staff come in several varieties, and by a feat of genetic engineering, these varieties are usually available within one body. "The Smiler": staff who greet you with an impossibly large smile. "The Smiler" vanishes when you show her your ticket, to be replaced by "The Concerned".
"The Concerned" is patiently able to explain that the code (e.g. BK27GHQKK56) in 3 point italic in the middle of your ticket means that you should have confirmed your reservation with their Des Moines (Monday to Saturday) or Paris (weekends only, until 1pm, thereafter with the Hamburg office) reservation office. Because you didn't do this, your reservation has been cancelled. He will listen politely while you explain that this was not made clear to you. He will then thumb through a book of regulations the size of The Bible and will triumphantly point to the detail.
"The Shocked" suddenly appears when you assert your rights. "The Shocked" will start to argue with you, but will remain polite. "The Travel Agent Router" follows shortly afterwards, to start blaming your travel agent for the confusion.
You are passed on to the Check In Supervisor, typically a perspiring middle-aged person, whose prime function is to assess the damage you can cause to the airline, and make decisions accordingly. If you are eventually considered acceptable for transportation, "The Smiler" returns as if nothing had happened. They will ask if you packed your own bags. In the heady, sexy world of airline staff, they hire people to pack their suitcases for them, so expect everyone else does.
You will be asked to take only one piece of carry on luggage, so you are almost forced into placing some valuables into your hold luggage. "The Concerned" reappears momentarily to place a 'Fragile' (read: expensive goods inside this bag) sticker on the relevant suitcase.