It wasn't meant as a fish for an audience, just that I couldn't believe it myself!
Same scenario, same airport, this time destined for Monastir. Arrived 15 minutes before report to again meet the F/O who was very keen and had everything printed off.
I'd checked the flightplans myself earlier in the day (bored and surfing!) and a few minutes of reading confirmed that nothing much had changed. Tankering sector, so fuel decision was based on how much tankering fuel rather than do we need anything above minimum. Met the IFS who sounded 'croaky' and who looked washed out. She had been on Airport Standby at another airport since 09:10z (my report was 14:25z) and confirmed that she thought she was coming down with something but was happy to operate when I enquired about her fitness to fly. There was a quiery about her hours, so the F/O dug out the tables and did a quick calculation. She was 'in' by 10 minutes. Sad for her, but true.
Went to the gate and boarded, me as PNF outbound doing the walkaround and the F/O setting up the F/D. Lack of communication from the dispatcher (we saw him once and he didn't venture into the F/D). CC informed me that at STD-20 we still hadn't got catering and the toilets hadn't been serviced, the cleaners claiming it was a technical problem with the toilets, the engineer sitting in the flightdeck stating that they 'need fooking emptying!'
Boarding delayed as the catering really needed to be on first. I venture out to 'find' the dispatcher, who is on the bridge. I ask him to chase up the honey waggon, which he informs me is 'here now'. Catering arrives. I go back to the flight deck and continue with pre-flight, the toilet waggon is NOT there. My operations call me and advise of a slot at 15:40, looks unlikely that we will make it, but we leave it as is for now, hoping that boarding will go smoothly and we might just make the '+10 minutes' on the slot. Boarding starts and eventually finishes. Toilet servicing eventually happens, the driver apparently 'forgot'!! Documentation ready, all briefed, T/O performance completed and ready to go. Just waiting for the agent who eventually comes on. I give a little 'chat' about lack of performance from the agents, lack of communications, mis-information etc etc etc to a young lad with a 'chip' who reminds me of Vicky Pollard......."yeah, but no, but...." No, just listen, we can all make excuses, but what we pay you for is proactive dispatching, and problem solving, not blame. I don't mind when things go wrong, but I do mind when I am not told or told wrong info. We push back.
Engines started, taxy clearance given and the F/Os ASI is 'cycling' up and down like a swingboat after transfer of electrical power from the APU to the Engine Generators. We have started taxying as it often does a 'cyle' like this before reading correctly. 30 seconds later and it is still the same. We call Ground and ask to 'park' with the engines running whilst we fault rectify. I take the radio, F/O calls the engineers on the company frequency. We reset circuit breakers and try swapping the power source a few times to no avail. I make a PA explaining we have a small 'instrumentation' problem which we are trying to rectify with the help of our engineers and apologise for the delay.
Nothing worked so we negotiate a return to stand. I make another PA whilst we are waiting on some other traffic, explaining that the engineers were unable to fix the problem without getting onto the aeroplane and it's a flight safety issue and flight safety is our number one priority blah, blah, blah. We shutdown and get the bridge on. The engineers board and start doing 'their thing'. The IFS comes into the flightdeck and informs me that she doesn't feel fit enough to go into discretion and I have to agree with her that she would not be fit enough to operate into discretion. Houston, we have a problem.
She had been called from standby as 'nobody else was available' in the UK (that old Crewing chestnut), so I call Crewing and advise them of their problem. I call the Duty Manager and explain that as no-one else is available I suspect we could be some time. We have now missed our slot, so I get the F/O to call Ops.
The IFS needs to stay onboard until another qualified IFS can be found and she returns with a junior member of crew to advise me that the junior member of crew has had her purse 'stolen'. She had £200 in it and last used it in the crewrrom and 'definitely' had it in her bag in the rear galley. She is understandably agitated. I ask for a thorough search of where she last saw it and explain that we can't accuse anyone of stealing it at this stage. She wants the police involved and points the finger at the cleaners. I resist this at this stage. Another member of crew calls the crewroom, but no sign of it there. I ask the agent to get a number for the cleaning company to see if anyone had 'found' it. Their office is just infront of the nose of the aircraft so the crew member puts on a high vis jacket and goes with the agent to the ofice to start 'enquiries'.
The engineers fix the problem in about 20 minutes, the paperwork takes another 5.
Just then a new IFS walks onto the airbridge! She was on a 757 on another gate, just about to depart when the captain was called and asked if she was 737 qualified. She was, so they nabbed her to 'save the day' for us. She is pretty unhappy (we are going further!), but I thank her and the old IFS gathers her belongings and exits. We make the decision to leave the other crew member behind to sort out her 'purse' issue as we have more than minimum crew and her mind is not on the job. She will need to find numbers and call banks to cancel credit cards etc....on a Sunday evening! We call the agent and ask her to return to the aircraft to collect her belongings. An 'old hand' working down the back decides to conduct another search and would you believe it, finds the purse!
Crew members back onboard, a quick word ensures that her
has turned into an
,
and she is ok to operate. F/O has been keeping Ops informed and the flight plan in. We need a new loadsheet as the old one is messy. It had the worng figures so LMC amendments hand written on it. Now we are a few hundred kilos lighter due to fuel burn on first taxi out and back, plus APU burn (lucky we were tankering so didn't need to uplift any more!!!). I had amended it to take a crew member off, who then found her purse so was back on!!!! A new one was dispatched with revised figures. Performance re-calculated with updated wx info. Doors closed, 1hr 30mins late.
We pushback for round 2. Uneventful sector until last 100ft when I take control due to 'lack of corrections' to my calls of 'bug minus 2...... bug minus 5!' Safe landing. Taxi in for an 'African' turnaround, where 50 minutes is scheduled and we would like to make up some time. (Yeah right, ever the wishful thinker, me!)
Turnaround is good apart from one vital element. Pax. We have 121 and they arrive in dribs and drabs over a 30 minute period. The agent makes no attempts to comminicate with us and the frequency gets no response from their office.
We just accept it's Africa. IFS reports another 'difficult passenger', who appears to just have 'attitude' at this point. Noted.
Eventually everyone on board and we depart, still 1hr 30 minutes late (it felt longer). I am PF. Uneventful climb and cruise until we reach Sardinia, when the IFS complains about the unruly pax again. I advise to giev the warning and make a PA about how I will not tollerate uncivilised behaviour towards my cabin crew and use the 'diversion' threat with police and costs. This appears to do the trick and she pipes down.
Speaking to Paris, or rather listening on a very quiet frequency, we hear occasional traffic, but then realise some 5 minutes has passed with no contact. Nothing on 121.5 throughout. We call another sector with a frequency from the charts and he advises us to contact Reims. We do so and I log the time, sector frequencies and circumstances to fill in an ASR due to PLOC.
Two in two days.......not bad!
Landing in Manchester and taxi in with no problems. Arrival 1hr 25 mins late. Back to the crewroom to file the ASR online and complete the paperwork. I get home at 03:15 local.
Roll on summer, I can't wait.........!
PP