Clarke, Dawe and defence
Reporter:
KERRY O'BRIEN: Time now for John Clarke and Bryan Dawe on a day in the life of a defence minister.
(John Clarke plays Brendan Nelson and Bryan Dawe plays the interviewer)
INTERVIEWER: Brendan Nelson, thank you for your time.
BRENDAN NELSON: Good evening, Bryan. A great pleasure to be with you.
INTERVIEWER: Minister, can you explain this business with the Sea sprite helicopters?
BRENDAN NELSON: Certainly I can, Bryan. Obviously you're aware of what a helicopter is?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, it flies vertically.
BRENDAN NELSON: Well, no, these are Sea sprites.
INTERVIEWER: It has a propeller up there?
BRENDAN NELSON: It has a propeller, Bryan, but the Sea sprites are not used for flying.
INTERVIEWER: They don't fly?
BRENDAN NELSON: Well...
INTERVIEWER: I mean, I thought a helicopter was a kind of plane?
BRENDAN NELSON: We're talking about Sea... You want to ask about helicopters, Bryan, or the ones we bought?
INTERVIEWER: The ones we bought. Didn't we buy $1 billion worth of Sea sprite helicopters?
BRENDAN NELSON: No, we didn't do that, Bryan.
INTERVIEWER: It says here we paid $1 billion, minister, for Sea sprite helicopters.
BRENDAN NELSON: Yeah, we did that. I see, Bryan, there's your mistake. You're confusing what we paid for something with its actual value.
INTERVIEWER: What are you saying - they're not worth $1 billion?
BRENDAN NELSON: Bryan, can I just point out at this point I wasn't in the job at the time the purchase went through.
INTERVIEWER: Minister, that's not the point. My question to you was, did these helicopters cost us $1 billion?
BRENDAN NELSON: Yes, they did, they did cost us $1 billion.
INTERVIEWER: Well, my next remark is, why aren't they still worth $1 billion?
BRENDAN NELSON: Well, I don't know what they're worth, Bryan. They might be worth $1 billion. Metal prices are going through the roof.
INTERVIEWER: Metal prices?
BRENDAN NELSON: Yeah, huge demand for metal out of China and India mainly, as I understand it. I don't know what they're worth - they could be worth $1 billion.
INTERVIEWER: What is the matter with the helicopters?
BRENDAN NELSON: There's nothing the matter with the helicopters at all, Bryan. I mean, provided you don't try and fly them I reckon they're probably as safe as a church.
INTERVIEWER: Are they new?
BRENDAN NELSON: No, they're not new, but it was apparently a very sound purchase, Bryan. They'd been used only for light tasks, they'd only been driven a tiny bit.
INTERVIEWER: What, to the shops or something?
BRENDAN NELSON: To the shops, on a Sunday.
INTERVIEWER: Little jobs?
BRENDAN NELSON: Light work, light work, yeah.
INTERVIEWER: Where did we get them from?
BRENDAN NELSON: We bought them on eBay, Bryan.
INTERVIEWER: eBay?
BRENDAN NELSON: That's apparently where the ordinance experts are selling stuff and we were quietly confident.
INTERVIEWER: What are they for?
BRENDAN NELSON: Well, they are part of Australia's burgeoning defence capability, Bryan.
INTERVIEWER: On the ground?
BRENDAN NELSON: As it happens, they are used for patrolling the hangars they're stored in.
INTERVIEWER: They keep that hangar safe?
BRENDAN NELSON: They do. You'd have to be an absolute idiot to go in there and try and nick one of those, Bryan.
INTERVIEWER: Why is that?
BRENDAN NELSON: Well, they don't fly. Only a moron would want one, Bryan.
INTERVIEWER: So they're useless, Minister?
BRENDAN NELSON: No, no, I wouldn't say they're useless, Bryan.
INTERVIEWER: They're just not helicopters?
BRENDAN NELSON: That's right, they're just not helicopters.
INTERVIEWER: Well, we might find some other use for them, I assume?
BRENDAN NELSON: We're going to have to, Bryan, we can't put them in the air.
INTERVIEWER: Like what?
BRENDAN NELSON: I mean, let's think about this rationally. Plenty of uses I can think of. You're reading a newspaper on a very windy day for example, the pages keep blowing away.
INTERVIEWER: What, hold them down with a helicopter?
BRENDAN NELSON: Chopper them on the corner, just chopper them lightly, the page will stay where it is, you'll be able to finish the Sudoku. Plenty of tasks. I can think of lots. Have you got a boat? You'll need a mooring.
INTERVIEWER: What, a Sea sprite?
BRENDAN NELSON: Extra reliability in a Sea sprite.
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for your time.
Buy one we'll give you one free, Bryan. Call now, get yourself a Sea sprite, we've got tonnes of them.
http://http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/co...6/s1642114.htm