“The New Pay Deal” – A depressing drama in two Acts
List of dramatis personae (in order of appearance):
Feduppilot
Frustratedpilot
Frightenedpilot
Indebtpilot
Rippedoffpilot
Cautiouspilot
Leavingpilot
Figherpilot
Molepilot
ERCpilot
Resignedpilot
Gratefulpilot
Happypilot
Drastic O’Ben, a courtier and hapless man of action
Edwardo Winsome, a somewhat less hapless courtier
Leo, an ideological Camel
Act I
Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away there was an airline …..
Feduppilot Yow…. new pay deal coming, we are about to be ripped off.
Frustratedpilot Yea, and we are going to do nothing about it, ‘cause we are useless.
Frightenedpilot I would prefer that you did not talk to me about this.
Indebtpilot I cannot afford to take the risk of doing or saying anything, go away.
Rippedoffpilot I have seen the light and this will never end, can we not just discuss it?
Cautiouspilot I will only discuss it when I think that most other people will discuss it.
Fighterpilot I want to fight, but I want to win; why not fight?
Leavingpilot That’ll never happen. I will just leave once I hear how bad the deal is.
Molepilot Reporting all of this to the 2 Ronnies is my ideological duty.
ERCpilot It is better to try to influence the deal in some small way than do nothing.
Resignedpilot What can I do? … I think I will do nothing.
Gratefulpilot I’m so lucky to be allowed to pay for my type-rating and get a job that I don’t want to upset anyone.
Happypilot I could be dead, but I have a job. Hey, why does everybody complain so much?
Curtain
Act II
The Pay deal is announced by
Drastic O’Ben, (a courtier):
Drastic O'B Apart from a few trouble makers, communists and organic food eating trans-sexual fellow-travellers (all 2 of them) every pilot in the organisation is wildly enthused by our generosity. It appears that our uncanny ability to capture the pulse of pilot opinion has once again struck pay-dirt for all concerned.
Eduardo the Winsome (another courtier): Yes, that is indeed so. We in this organisation call this a win-win situation (
sotto voce): tee hee … i.e. we win twice.
I have spoken to many pilots and I agree with your assessment Dobser. It is really good. I really believe this. So well said there Dobby. We are with you all the way. We are so much better than all those bad airlines out there.
Oh, Dobs, here is a really silly document for you to sign and put out to the pilots. It will enable me to screw the pilots and, in the fullness of time, you too.
By the way, if we ever find the person who libelled us by calling us the two Ronnies which one of us will run the mega interference on …..
Enter, stage left,
a Hairy Camel called
Leo, who delivers a soliloquy:
Leo, the ideological Hairy Camel: What ho, Drastic and Eduardo, my two Ronnies!!!
I have the happiest bunch of people in all of creation working for me in this organisation. As is normal in any company there is always an idiot or two who does not know how lucky they are to work for only 18 hours a week with the company which has the best rosters, highest pay, most modern aircraft, most stable rosters, really great leave entitlements ... (
this continues breathlessly for some time and without so much as a pause ….. ).
Good deal my dearest Ronalds. Methinks this is a really good deal for you two too!? But don’t spend your management bonus before you get it. In de interim somebody may have to take a fall for all de mistakes that have been made around here, what with people out there copping on to our little ways of "man management", aircraft "depreciation", safety "investigations", flight cancellations and so forth.
Not least is that you should not have been so generous with de pilot troublemakers when dictating - oops, negotiating - this deal. Let’s face it, there has not been a single suicide - a clear indication that you are closet softies and namby-pamby neo-liberals!
I want to see you get lots of my goodies back as soon as possible after the deal is ratified. I trust thou does’t hear me loud and clear. (
He glares at the hapless courtiers, who smile a wan smile).
Leo delivers a self-satisfied “Gigginstown Grin” to the audience and exits stage right uttering the words: Now you two Ronnies take prompt steps to “make it so” … do ya hear?
Offstage lamentations are heard stage left – Gigginstown Giggles are heard stage right.
The two courtiers smile their wan and knowing smile.
So it goes.
Curtain