From The Pprune ATC FORUM.
Allegedly on D&D's frequency some time back...
A/C: "London, this is G-xx, solo cross-country, I'm lost and require assistance."
D&D: "Roger G-xx. What was the last point at which you were sure of your position?"
A/C: "Holding point A1, just before departure..."
Lady student, very well spoken, with instructor - "Gxx on final"
ATC: "Gxx clear to land runway xx Surface wind etc...."
Lady student: "Roger, Gxx cleared to land runway xx, Christ and s**t! I've really made a f...king bollox of this one, it was all going so sodding well, oh well guess you better take control, what a stupid cow I am, you have cont..." (Realises she's still transmitting).
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In the 60's at a German airfield an un-exploded bomb is dug out of a taxiway during some work. The airfield is closed and all a/c enter the hold. After about 30mins fuel is getting low and a rather pompous BEA skipper is getting agitated.
a/c: Can you really give us no idea as to when we can make an approach? It's most inefficient.
ATC: Ah yes, but it is not our inefficiency. It is your bomb and it has failed to explode.
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radar: Spitfire G-xx squawk 1234
spit: Sorry sir, negative transponder.
radar (puzzled, watching 7000 leaping across screen exactly where Spit says he is, at Spit speeds & same level): Are you sure you don't have a transponder? If not, there's traffic very close by, same height & speed.
Spit: hang on, I'll look...(lengthy pause).
Spit (very surprised): Bloody hell, I've found one! What was that squawk again?
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Manchester, a winter's night in the early '80s. Approach, to an inbound 1-11:-
"Speedbird 123 we've reports of light icing above FL50, severe icing below. Also turbulence, moderate to severe at all levels but particularly bad on final approach with windshear reported. Previous landing aircraft report loss and gain of airspeed in excess of 20 knots on final approach. Visibility is 1200 metres in hail showers. The runway is wet, braking action poor."
There was a silence, before Speedbird replied:
"Roger all that. You forgot to mention the flak!"
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ATC to female pilot: "Will you take an intermediate departure or do you want the full length?"
Female Pilot: "I always take the full length"
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ATC "Shamrock123 you are number two in traffic"
S123 "Roger Surr, is dat number one in front?"
At a regional airport a few years ago:
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"Approach, XYZ request further climb"
"XYZ, Negative, maintain your level"
This a few more times, then:
"Approach, XYZ, if we don't get climb soon we won't be able to make our cruise level."
"XYZ, Approach, if you climb now into the opposite direction traffic you won't even make the coast!"
"Roger"
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Heard recently at a LARS unit...
'G-??, report your point of departure?'
Puzzled reply '...to get to XYZ?' A female ATCO
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"Hawk 364 have you left my frequency"
Hawk 364 "Affirm!!!!"
Heard over the Gulf a few years ago
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atc this is c/s - request fl600
reply - Buddy if you can make fl600 it's all yours!
Roger - descending fl600
(Guess the aircraft type)
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BA 747 has just rolling out after landing at LL from an ILS approach.
TWR (trying to be helpful - of course): Just for information, you appeared to be slightly left of the centreline all the way down the approach.
BA (after a short pause): Yes that's right, and my First Officer was slightly to the right of it.
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A hot summer afternoon at LHR in the 70's (or so I was told). Pan-Am 747 struggles off the end of 27R, pops an engine and starts dumping fuel.
ATC. I see you have a problem sir but you are not in a fuel dumping area and that's Windsor Castle straight ahead.
Pan-AM. Son, do you have a phone?.
ATC. Yes.
Pan-AM. Well you call the lady and ask her if she wants the fuel or the whole airplane!
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Manx Shorts 3-60 at holding point - C172 at intersection reports ready - lady ATCO replies "standby, I've got to get my Shorts off first !"
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When asked on UHF if she could get weather for Cardiff & Bristol for mail flights, lady ATCO responded "I've already got Bristol's!"
Back in the early 70s Rhein had a 2 number transponder code with no height readout. (eg 5400)
Phantom 4 called "overhead NTM FL350"
Rhein "Confirm level?"
Phantom 4 confidently "FL350"
Rhein "Phantom 4 I cleared you FL 250 what are your intentions"
Phanton 4 "
..Er Standby"
Rhein "Phantom 4; "I cleared you FL250 Vot are your intentions (becoming very exasperated)"
Phantom 4 "
.Er Standby"
Rhein (now no longer needing a radio to be heard ) "Phantom 4 I CLEARED YOU TO FL 250 YOU ARE AT FL 350 VOT ARE OUR INTENTIONS "
Phantom 4 " Er
. Oh Sh*t self destruct"
Deathly silence.
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Late at night, very quiet on the frequency,
a/c: God I'm f***ing bored!
atc: Who said that?
a/c: I'm not that bored
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Remember the clippers?
"Clipper 131 you are drifting off to the north, suggest to turn right by 3 degrees"
(B727, muttering) "Unable to do such little turns boy!"
"Roger, in this case turn right fifteen and turn back twelve!"
Only occasion I can remember a controller scoring against a clipper captain.------------------------------------------------------------------------
LATCC: USAir XXX descend to altitude 4000', QNH 1017 millibars.
USAir: Roger descend to altitude 4000' and do you have that in inches.
LATCC: Affirm, USAir, descend to altitude 48000 inches.
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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Another on reported a few years back: A USAF C130 at the holding point at EDDF notices that the Lufthansa 747 in the holding bay in front still has the gear pins in place.
"DLH xxx, Reach XXX, come up on 123.45"
"Ve are German professional pilots and ve do not exchange chit chat on unauthorised frequencies"
"Tower, Reach XXX, tell the professional pilot in the big jet that he's still got his landing gear pins in"
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When the ATIS was not computerised and a human voice was required...
"Aberdeen Approach this is DANAIR F**king 154"
"Station calling, say again!"
"Aberdeen this is DANAIR F**king 154"
"DANAIR 154, Aberdeen, use standard R/T phraseology, pass your message"
"I will when you do - listen to the ATIS"
ATCO listens to the ATIS, while the weather is being broadcast and in the background, clear as a bell, you can hear "Where's the F**king DAN154?".
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Liverpool, 1980's.
US Military had some sort of operation at Burtonwood - just off to the north east of the zone....... arriving for an ILS app runway 27, in a King Air, with the callsign "Lord xxx".
Cessna 172 (G-MALK was downwind in the visual circuit, doing touch and go's). Instructor in Cessna was monitoring Approach frequency in headset - whilst student and same instructor were working tower on loudspeaker....
Twr: "G-LK, ILS traffic at 5 miles, report traffic in sight."
G-LK: "Wilco, G-LK"
Pause.
G-LK "Hallelujah"
Twr: "G-LK, say again???????????"
G-LK "I have seen the Lord!!!"