Once upon a time a lowly pilot ( who called himself a CFI - which in Murrietta, California means “Complete Fu*&!ng Idiot” ) - had a dream.
He dreamt that he could make something of his life and become a World Record holder,
by flying around the World in a helicopter in the fastest time.
His name was Joseph ( which in Swedish is “Johan” ).
He had tried something along these lines before and failed.
After the last attempt he had no money, no suitable helicopter and not many friends to call upon.
He needed inspiration.
Far off in the distant skies Joseph saw a star shining brighter than all the others - it seemed to be beckoning him.
He had an idea - somewhere in the distant past he remembered a story, where miracles could come true.
It would soon be Christmas so he would announce that he had been “Born again” and would use Christianity to help achieve his goal.
The star was his sign and he would follow his dream no matter what.
Mary ( which in Swedish is “Monica” ) - Joseph’s partner, wasn’t so impressed -
“That’s not a sign….. it’s bloody global warming …..” she was heard muttering.
She didn’t really fancy the risk of getting involved in this immaculate conception and thought it best to let Joseph sort this baby out himself.
Joseph went off to seek out 3 wise men for advice.
He could not afford to undertake such a massive venture without serious financial backing -
and while he could do without the Frankincense and Myrrh,
the Gold would come in real handy he thought.
Sadly, being in South California there were no Wise Men to be found,
so instead he had to settle for an out of work, long haired individual
by the name of Mikael ( Swedish for Mikael ).
Together they worked and hatched their cunning plan.
Joseph decided that if he kept pushing the Christianity angle,
then God almighty would answer all his prayers,
and he would have nothing to fear.
Knowing that he wouldn’t get very far with his own selfish plan,
he announced to the world that he would carry out the epic adventure for a CHRISTIAN CHARITY,
and this would benefit thousands of poor, hungry, frozen children,
but thought it best not to mention to his potential sponsors
that he had set himself up as the President of the “Charity”.
Joseph was in two minds, no make that three, on what to call the new “Charity”.
Would it be “The Christian Foundation for Underprivileged Children”,
or “The Christian Foundation for Unprivileged Children”,
or the “Christian Foundation for Starving Children” ? -
“What the heck” he thought,
“I’m gonna get some cash whoever the suckers send it to,
and that’s all that matters.”
Thousands, if not millions of dollars would be raised for the Charity –
the good folk of California and around the world would love to donate to such a worthy cause.
Joseph’s next decision was transport.
He just couldn’t decide whether to buy a Robinson R44, AS350, Bell Jet Ranger, or a Gazelle.
If only they made a helicopter called “Donkey” it might add more credence to his biblical adventure -
He was well on his way to making an ass of himself.
All he needed now, was to convince lots of people to give him lots of cash,
so he promised that 70% of every cent donated would go the “Charity”.
He even promised that all donations would be tax deductible !
And verily it came to pass that Joseph had conned enough people, sorry, had found enough sponsors,
to pay for his new helicopter, fuel, spare parts, mechanics, landing fees, salary,
food for the journey, drinks for the journey, drinks for the stop-overs,
drinks for the return journey, drinks for the celebrations,
and some spare drinks in case they ran out.
“The sound of Joseph’s twin turbine Triumph could be heard for miles around”.
Relying heavily on God Almighty to keep an eye on things,
Joseph really believed that his scheme would work.
Sadly he had forgotten that the Lord Almighty is omnipresent, and knew exactly what he was up to.
God was NOT impressed.
No sooner had they set off than the sky began to darken.
Joseph had been blinded by the light from the bright star and his dream.
That very morning God had been chatting with his old pal King Herod
( Swedish for Bill Lockyear ) – the official collector of taxes.
King H. confirmed that Joseph was a very naughty boy and was in breach of California State Law.
The Law requires that all such “Charities” are registered with the District Attorneys Office,
and there was no record of the “Charity” in any of its 3 names recorded on the register.
California State Register of Charities
Neither God or King Herod wanted anything more to do with the scam -
Imagine how embarrassing it would be if God were cited in a multi million dollar law suit,
or when all those tax claims were rejected.
It was time for God to put an end to the use of His name in such a blasphemous way.
“Mayday - Mayday - we’re going down” cried Joseph….
“Control - , Joseph - I copy your Mayday - how many souls on board ?”
“How many what on board ?”
“Control - Joseph, Souls sir, how many souls on board ?”
“Aaaaaahh - souls - that’s me, a co-pilot and a couple of others.”
“Control - Joseph - copy that - One aaaahh-soul and 3 passengers.”
The relevance of this last picture ? - Just a pile of rotten Swedes
Finally click this to download Coconutty's Christmas PowerPoint Slide show
Coconutty's Christmas Message
Coconutty
Edited to correct a few typo's