What can they mean?
A list of one-liners that have cropped up at various meetings attended by a colleague of mine over the last few years.
All we are doing is moving deck chairs on the Titanic
Turkeys will be praying for Christmas before that happens
Turkeys don’t go home for Christmas
We must always pick the low hanging fruit first – these are that low they are potatoes
Since the last meeting when we reached rock bottom we have started to dig
If its dark you turn a light on not find a torch
That’s my pink elephant over your blue elephant
Scream on a bus and everybody looks at you scream on an aircraft and everybody screams with you
You cannot change the wind direction but you can alter the sails
We are not taking a spoonful of jam when we know there is a pot full coming soon
That will not alter the price of fish
We will lift as many rocks as we can before we get a hiss
He is the sort of person that goes into a rotating door second but comes out first
There is something in the jungle, I can’t see it yet but I can hear rustling
Its like tap dancing in mud
We don’t need to beat our balls against the wall to feel the pain
Now we are pushing a door that is already open
We are still stringing the racket rather than playing the game
Now we are using a sprat to catch a mackerel
Here we go draining the swamp to fight the alligators and then refilling the swamp
I’m not getting too sexually excited about this
Lets draw a knife through this knot
Now to get all our ducks in a row
I’ll run it up my flagpole and by the end of play if I have all the right ticks in the boxes I’ll agree to another meeting.
Have we got a Tiger by the tail
This is no way to run a chip shop
We need to get all our piles of **** in a heap
You can’t make an omelette without breaking several eggs
Here we go again using the full nine yards instead of 8.23 metres
That particular crocodile is not ripping at my balls at the moment
I’ll throw all my toys out of the cot
Keep the string taught
You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince, and we’re frantically kissing frogs at the moment
Now to lift the stone and watch the ants run around
There seem to be a lot of people dancing around the camp fire
You give me the bullets and I’ll shoot the bastards
All he has to do is take names and kick arse
That is another issue that fallen between two stools
Lets check all our seed is planted in a straight row
Its like being given twenty spoons when you need a knife
We don’t need to scratch our backs with a hacksaw
All we are doing is saving pennies to spend pounds
These are in danger of withering on the vine
This has been subject to an awful lot of Teflon shoulders
I’ll wind my horns in
You don’t make a pig fat by continually weighing it
That’s not blowing my skirt up
Remember those who would choose to dance have to pay the one playing the fiddle.
Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they’ll never be disappointed.
In the country of the blind the one eyed man is king.
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
There may be no ‘I’ in team but there is a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.
Process and procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
Age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
You have to be 100% behind somebody before you can stab them in the back.
Make good use of the cylindrical filing unit under the desk.
We are setting out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky.
Statistics are like a lamp post to a drunken man – more for leaning on than illumination.
A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or some one else’s?
Is your task done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly……..?
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some body with a torch bringing me more work!
If history repeats itself we can expect the same thing again!
The trick isn’t putting your head in the lions mouth its removing it afterwards!
We’ll run this one up the flagpole and see, which way the wind blows.
Its like putting your heal on a cockroach; you think you’ve killed it then it crawls again.
They won’t feel the pain if the defeat leaves them totally numb.
Whilst we are killing time we are burying an opportunity.
What you want is for us to get in bed with you!
Ships in the night may sail side by side but it doesn’t mean they are going in the same direction.
Do we fight the pink or give up?
I hope we are not killing the sacred cow here.
This is a particularly inventive kite flying exercise.
Its like pushing **** up a hill with a very pointy stick
We are handing out the tusks at the elephants graveyard.
We must understand how long the tent poles are.
Its like watching your mother in law going over a cliff in an expensive car
….that ticking bomb in the cupboard that you don’t know is there until it goes off or you open the cupboard.
Like all butchers you have to learn to carve the joint.
You must cut your coat to the cloth.
We don’t need to strap wings onto a chicken.
Leave it with me for 24 hours and I’ll see if it makes me warm.
We must all wear snorkels in the same think tank.
Everything is black and white in a herd of zebra.
That’s a very long run up for such a small jump.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…..but not downstairs.
All we are doing is building high horses.
We don’t want to die in the trenches over ……….
One size slipper that fits all.
Do you want me to give you a self-licking lollipop?
We must shake the tree and see what fly’s out.
We will have to live with the pain and take the same Brufen
We will need to reshuffle the pack with the cards taken out.
Fill the slots with pink bodies
I expect ….to take the approach of lighting candles not complaining about the dark.
All good plans change on first contact with the enemy………
Lets not go down too many rabbit holes.
…the individual knows what is in the jar but can’t get the lid off.
…….head up the crocodile.
Smith the words to give the right spin.
…. if we set sail again.
We are now in the foothills - stretching ahead of us is a whole range of mountains to climb
We can’t keep blowing smoke up peoples arseholes.
..high stakes poker…
the speed of knots of a Tsunami
we put sausage meat in the top …………..out of the bottom.
Don’t get off the bus just get ready to get off the bus
Out of the frying pan into a frying pan of cold fat about to be put on the fire.
One day you are the cats whiskers and the next you are the cats litter.
..or have I missed the boat?
A .22 calibre intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
He’s just getting his Rear Admiral up.
A day late and a dollar short.
A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
A face designed in a wind tunnel.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
A haemorrhoid on the face of the world.
A lap behind the field.
A legend in his own mind.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
A notch off the timing mark.
A peripheral visionary.
A standard deviant.
All fetch and no execute.
All thrust, no vector.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An ego like a black hole.
Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
As focused as a fart.
As happy as the village idiot.
As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Batteries not included.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Born ugly and built to last.
Broadcasts static.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Chimney's clogged.
Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Dropped on his head as a child.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Fell out of the family tree.
Finds canonical humour collections amusing.
Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
Gyros are loose.
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Has a random memory fault.
Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
He came, he saw, he clutched.
HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
He is a mouth-breather.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
His actual mileage varies.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His future is behind schedule.
His page was intentionally left blank.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span.
His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Levelled off before reaching altitude.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Low on thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Needs a little remedial evolution.
Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
One car short of a chase scene.
One revision behind.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
Some Assembly Required.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
Still boots to DOS.
Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from link rot.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The result of years of careful inbreeding.
The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
Tight as a bull's arse in fly season.
Toys in the attic.
Two degrees off square.
Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
When she was born the doctor slapped her mother.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
His future is behind schedule.
Even a two-button mouse gives him too many options.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
I’m not a black belt in……
I would like to know when I am going to hit a brick wall before I hit it.
I do not wish to go around this buoy several times.
His men will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
This man crept into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
'We knew how to whinge but we kept it to the NAAFI bar'.