Its tomorrow but I have been given a pre-release copy of the press release:
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Emirates Celebrates 20 Years in Business
Emirates Airlines, one of the worlds fastest growing long haul airlines today celebrates its 20th birthday. Emirates Airlines has grown from 3 wet leased 727s to 80+ aircraft with an order book containing 70 other aircraft. An announcement is expected at the Dubai Airshow in November outlining their plans for world domination and the world's biggest ever airliner order.
To thank the staff for their hard work it has been decided that they will be rewarded with pay increases which will take their salaries back to 1985 levels. This means that all employees will receive a 110% payrise to take care of inflation.
In a further change to T&Cs to attract experienced western pilots a decision has been taken to re-engineer Crew Rest Facilities. All the 340-500s will be refitted and the 777s will be reconfigured before delivery. A bath and jacuzzi will be fitted as well as massage tables. Each pilot will be rostered with his own personal Geisha who will take the time to bathe him in Ass' milk to ensure his skin is smooth before taking rest. To ensure that he drops off to sleep immediately he will be serviced in whatever way he feels will best help his in-flight rest. The pilot may take his geisha home with him after the flight depending on how broad minded his wife is.
On arrival back in Dubai because the UAE now has the world's biggest traffic jam, a decision has been taken to procure a fleet of personal helicopters to drop pilots at their residences. Eurocar drivers are currently undergoing re-training to fulfil this role and will be paid an extra 5 AED per year to compensate them for their new skill set with a 70 year training bond.
It has also been decided that pilots will now be able to pick and choose their residences irrespective of the rent. A system will be implemented where they can go and knock on anyone's door and issue them with a 48hr warning to leave if they fancy the house.
So if you were thinking of applying, do so quickly we are currently receiving 25 applications/ day and slots will soon all be filled up. We can guarantee you a quick command (2 weeks) with no changes in T&Cs foreseen in the future.
Please come and diccover the world's best airline.
EVXP Corporate Communications
Disclaimer and Small Print: These terms and conditions only apply at the time of reading. The management reserves the right to treat you like a camel and to revoke any and all increase as soon as they have enough guys on-board. Command timings are for illustartive purposes only and Geisha's can sometimes be confused with your own left hand.