Here are the "cleaner" ones I have saved over the years.
Helicopter Monkey
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a helicopter company owner from the local airportd walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, track and balance, do hundred hour inspections, hot refuel aircraft with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Front desk" monkey; it can sell flights, take reservations, complete weight and balance forms, give passenger briefings and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"
Helicopter Pilot Humor
The following was provided by Col. Charlie Block, USMC.
Further Musings from a former Helicopter Pilot Anything that screws it's way into the sky flies according to unnatural principals.
You never want to sneak up behind an old high-time helicopter pilot and clap your hands. He will instantly dive for cover and most likely whimper...then get up and kick your butt.
There are no old helicopters lying around airports like you see old Airplanes. There is a reason for this. Come to think of it, there are not many old high-time helicopter pilots hanging around airports either so the first issue is problematic.
You can always tell a helicopter pilot in anything moving, a train, an airplane, a car or a boat. They never smile, they are always listening to the machine and they always hear something they think is not right. Helicopter pilots fly in a mode of intensity, actually more like "spring loaded," while waiting for pieces of their contraption to fall off.
Flying a helicopter at any altitude over 500 feet is considered reckless and should be avoided. Flying a helicopter at any altitude or condition that precludes a landing in less than 20 seconds is considered outright foolhardy.
Remember in a helicopter you have about 1 second to lower the collective in an engine failure before it becomes unrecoverable. Once you've failed this maneuver the machine flies about as well as a 20 case Coke machine. Even a perfectly executed autorotation only gives you a glide ratio slightly better than that of a brick. 180-degree autorotations are a violent and aerobatic maneuver in my opinion and should be avoided.
When your wings are leading, lagging, flapping, precessing and moving faster than your fuselage there's something unnatural going on. Is this the way men were meant to fly?
While hovering, if you start to sink a bit, you pull up on the collective while twisting the throttle, push with your left foot (more torque) and move the stick left (more translating tendency) to hold your spot. If you now need to stop rising, you do the opposite in that order. Sometimes in wind you do this many times each second. Don't you think that's a strange way to fly?
For Helicopters: You never want to feel a sinking feeling in your gut (low "g" pushover) while flying a two bladed under slung teetering rotor system. You are about to do a snap roll to the right and crash. For that matter, any remotely aerobatic maneuver should be avoided in a Huey. Don't push your luck. It will run out soon enough anyway.
If everything is working fine on your helicopter consider yourself temporarily lucky. Something is about to break.
Way back in 1971 while I was flying Huey gun ships in Vietnam, Harry Reasoner wrote the following about helicopter pilots:
The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by its nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other, and if there is any disturbance in this delicate balance the helicopter stops flying; immediately and disastrously. There is no such thing as a gliding helicopter.
"This is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an airplane pilot, and why in generality, airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed, buoyant extroverts and helicopter pilots are brooding introspective anticipators of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened it is about to."
Having said all this, I will also tell you that flying a helicopter is one of the most satisfying and exhilarating experiences I have ever enjoyed. I went on to fly over 11,000 hours in jets, props and helicopters before hanging up my wings. What I miss most is skimming over the trees at 100 knots, all by myself in a light observation helicopter.
When my brother heard that I was going to fly helicopters he related with all the superiority of a fighter pilot (who had never flown a helicopter) that "flying helicopters was similar to masturbating. Fun at the time but nothing to brag about."
Many years later I know that it was sometimes anything but fun, but now it is something to brag about for those of us who survived the experience.