Don't force it, use a bigger hammer!
Or from a collection of annual reports that have probably frequently been published here:
The reason this Officer Cadet has a stupid grin on his face is that - He is stupid.
Able Seaman P appeared before me, charged with financial impropriety. In his defence he stated that there was no way that he could be overdrawn, because he still had twelve cheques in his cheque book.
2nd Lt A has given an unexceptional performance, apart from an outstanding characterisation of a poof in the Unit panto.
Leading Seaman A often lets his mind go blank, but then forgets to turn off the sound.
Corporal N is a charming, sociable and good-looking member of my Ship's Detachment who is very much a model Royal Marine. It a matter of regret he is not a working model.
This man is a phoney; even the wool he tries to pull over your eyes is 50% polyester.
My Leading Regulator (Naval Policeman) is not very smart. In fact, he is depriving a police dog of a promising career.
By retaining this young man in the RN, we will be depriving an English village of its idiot.
During her naval career Wren B-Z moved in the best triangles.
This MoD Desk Officer appears to be frank and earnest with women. I understand that in London he is Frank, while in Portsmouth he is Ernest.
Colour Sergeant X is the sort of man who would knife you in the back - and then promptly report you for carrying concealed weapons.
His men will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
This medical officer only uses my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my
officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Consistently sets himself a low standard, then fails to achieve it.
If he were a horse, I would not breed from him.
You will be lucky if you get to have him work for you.
This man crept into the gene pool while the life guard wasn't watching.
A .22 calibre intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A day late and a dollar short.
A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
A face designed in a wind tunnel.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
A haemorrhoid on the face of the world.
A lap behind the field.
A legend in his own mind.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
A notch off the timing mark.
A peripheral visionary.
A standard deviant.
All fetch and no execute.
All thrust, no vector.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An ego like a black hole.
Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
As focused as a fart.
As happy as the village idiot.
As quick as a corpse.
As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Batteries not included.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Born ugly and built to last.
Broadcasts static.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Chimney's clogged.
Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Dropped on his head as a child.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Fell out of the family tree.
Finds canonical humour collections amusing.
Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
Gyros are loose.
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Has a random memory fault.
Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
He came, he saw, he clutched.
HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
He is a mouth-breather.
He's diagnosable.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
His actual mileage varies.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His future is behind schedule.
His page was intentionally left blank.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span.
His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Levelled off before reaching altitude.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Low on thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Needs a little remedial evolution.
Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Off by one.
One car short of a chase scene.
One revision behind.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
Some Assembly Required.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
Still boots to DOS.
Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from link rot.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The result of years of careful inbreeding.
The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
Tight as a bull's arse in fly season.
Toys in the attic.
Two degrees off square.
Uses AOL.
Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
Vowel-buyer.
When she was born the doctor tried to slapped her mother.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
And some more:
"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow him to breed."
"He is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"He should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn\'t coming.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing doors
marked pull!