Here’s a tale about an imaginary airline, which for want of a better name, we’ll call Berrybigbay Airlines. In our totally imaginary tale, among its many exotic ports of call, we’ll have our imaginary airline flying to a remote island destination, Barebonesabad, which has a single runway with a parallel taxiway that is wide enough for light turboprops but nothing bigger. The only taxiway that will take a widebody (which is want we’ll have our imaginary Berrybigbay Airlines fly) joins the runway at 90 degrees about half way along its length and leads into the apron.
Departing Barebonesabad one day, unexplainably, (and heedless of the company notice not to do so), one of the Berrybigbay Airlines captains taxied his widebody up the too narrow parallel taxiway. This left his outer wheels well into the (very soft) grass. Unfortunately, the taxiway lights were at exactly the same spacing as the outer wheels of the widebody. Even more unfortunate was the fact that the taxiway lights were placed on steel posts set in concrete. The outer tyres on both bogeys on both sides were completely destroyed by a succession of steel posts before they got anywhere near the runway.
Then came the time to turn onto the runway...
Holding the nosewheel studiously on the taxiway centreline, Captain Thingamy Wahtsit suddenly found he needed a bit more power as the mains on the inside of the turn sank deeply into the soft grass. (There was an ‘up’ side to this - the inner taxi lights on the turn remained unscathed.) So much power did he need in fact, that, incredible as this may seem, he blew a hangar away, in which, unfortunately, were three light aircraft.
He then he proceeded to take off, which, a mute testament to the engineering skills of the people who built this particular widebody, he managed to do successfully, despite getting a wheel well fire warning after takeoff, which went away after a few minutes, so he set out as planned for his destination.
Some time after departure, Barebonesabad ATC informed Captain Thingamy Wahtsit that ‘there was a bit of rubber on the runway’. (At this early stage, they were yet to discover their marked reduction in taxiway lighting or the absence of one of their very few hangars.) We can’t be sure of the thought process in the imaginary cockpit, but believe it might have gone something along these lines: ‘Ahh, we had a wheel well fire warning after takeoff. Maybe we blew a tyre on takeoff.’
So Captain Thingmy Wahtsit decides to divert straight to Berrybigbay Airlines’ main maintenance base – but he doesn’t tell anybody on board. The first thing the passengers and cabin crew know that anything is unusual is when he does a 100’ flyby past the tower at Mainaintenancebase – at night – and the pax see that the building going past the windows very close doesn’t look like their destination at all.
After a quick, if perhaps not too reassuring PA to tell his hapless pax that is said to have included the phrase that ‘if you have a God, this might be a good time to pray to Him’, Captain Thingamy Wahtsit lands (successfully) and signs the aircraft off with nothing entered in the tech log and departs for the hotel.
I never did hear what happened to the hangar in Barebonesabad that is no more, but I’m sure there are a few people out there like [b]chrislamb[/b and Abbeville who could come up with a few informed opinions as to what happened to the (totally imaginary) Captain Thingamy Wahtsit and his FO.