Perhaps he was only trying to feed a carnivorous gerbil?
For those who may never have heard it before, here is the aprocryphal gerbil story:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.
Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a 'felching' session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube igniting Mr. Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters: "It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queer's tradesman's entrance."
The fate of the singed gerbil was not reported....