Now, I have had a licence for a few years.
Lots of medicals under the bridge and I have only ever had one done to the exact standard of the year before....and that was the class 1 medical you get in about 10mins, involving lots of pen work. Yes - No, are you suicidal? heart disease? drink? take drugs?, she'll be right ... OK, that's a $100 thanks.
Those are the good ones.
Experiences to date:
I had one today in NZ and this doctor gets the award for only the 4th bloke to handle the lads in the last 33years.
I am the first; my old man is the second and the Vas surgeon in the third. I did my best not to get excited...
No cancer apparently. WTF Mate?
The previous Class 1 in NZ was the weirdest experience of my life. The doc takes me into a completely windowless room and turns off the lights. Crickey...
Then a tiny green light is switched on in the far corner and I am told to stare at it while he looks into my eyes with his special doohickey thing. He was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my cheek...or was that in my ear?
WTF Mate?
Same guy. Has a desk that would make an ADHD sufferer look tidy. Sits down across from me and asks me to repeat the words that he says.
OK - this should be easy.
Picks up a book and covers his face so that his eyes are only showing. Then he whispers
"Octopus.....Giraffe......Hippopotamus....."
I nearly died trying not to crack up laughing. WTF Mate?
Same guy asks me to piss in an open plastic container. Righto.
Where are the toilets? Oh! through the waiting room. Ok. Into the bath, squeeze out a sample, pinch off the flow, rest down the dunny. Hand wash.
Now, negotiate through crowded waiting room full of people with dangerously full sample of fresh tepid urine. Toys on the floor, extended legs, Hi there! Whew... arrived back OK.
He comes over and while I hold it up he dips his litmus paper into it (no gloves..), checks whether I won or not and the then instructs me to dispose of the sample.
Where? Oh! of course, back in the toilets. Slightly warm urine, kids, fellow patients....... bugger the door is locked. Wait with pee Tupperware in waiting room.
Looking at my piss wondering if I could really drink it if I was marooned on a raft in the middle of the pacific. Warm or cold?
WTF Mate?
Canada:
"OK buddy, please remove your shirt".
Tap, Tap, breathe in, out, Tap, Tap. Ribs ok, ticker is still operating...
"OK buddy, please drop your pants".
Done.
BUGGER!!!, I am completely starkers. The bastard tricked me!!!
Suck up pride, chest out, back straight, this is completely normal to be standing in your socks in a doctors office. Happens all the time. Smile for the cameras and hope you never see yourself on some internet voyeur site.
Cough please?
Croak out a bark, surprise I am all normal. No hernia here. WTF Mate?
Aussie ECG time:
"Lie down please, shirt off"
Firm grip on pants. Won't get caught with the 'ol shirt off, pants down a second time. Staring at roof and suddenly a razor appears and lovely sponge bob shape is hacked out of my sparse chest hair.
I am in shock.
"**** lady, that has taken forever to grow you know! Why did you do that"
Apparently the machine pads don't stick to hair.
Now I make a turtle look hairy, so I wasn't impressed at all.
I didn't even flinch when she started on the ankles....
I asked her to do the rest of my chest and she just laughed. I was ******* serious... What am I to do with a square of emptiness in the middle of my body?
WTF Mate...
ECG Canada:
This is a world's greatest ECG machine. It makes a diagnostic machine at your local garage look like HAL from 2001.
It can adjust your mixtures, check your emissions, tell you what your crank angle sensor is measuring and rotate your tyres.
Beep, beep wirr....grind....spit. Out comes the $80 piece of paper.
"seems you have failed Mr Steve76..."
FAILED???!!!
"Yes, your heart rate is a bit too slow...."
How much? "45 beats per minute.."
Yep, sounds normal. What's the issue? I do a lot of exercise. A healthy heart is a by-product. DUH!
Tell you what, I'll do 50 pushups and we can try again...
WTF Mate.
Audiology Aussie:
My favorite. I take these pretty seriously. It seems a great competition to try and beat last years score.
Hands clamping earpieces, head down, eyes shut.
Was that a beep? Oh bugger...just push the button anyway.
Man this would be easier if there WASN'T A FRIGGIN MOTORWAY OUTSIDE THE WINDOW....
WTF Mate?
Audio test NZ:
First time ever.
Sit in this booth please Mr Steve76.
Lady sits in booth right beside me, separated only by glass window.
Beep....beep....beep.
Hmmm... Seems that when she presses that little button that I can SEE in my peripheral vision I hear a little beep.
Duh....
"WELL done! Mr Steve76, you have awesome hearing..."
WTF Mate?
Surely you guys must be able to add to this collection of tales.
Or am I just blessed with an entertaining life
