I do aggree with Maximum on that quote, it is easy because you really do know it wont happen, its almost like a dream. I dont want to totaly blow you out but being an airline pilot and being an raf pilot is a tottaly differnt ball game. You have to be able to perform at the edge of the human envelope. you have gotta be the best of the best. It is obvious you have had alot to deal with in your life and alot of time to think about it. But i would seriously consider moving on with your life. The longer you mull around with this flying thing the worse it will be. who knows if i could actully carry out my own advice but i think it is the right advice. just out of curosity, what exatuly brings on your fits. If you know that is, of course feel free not to answer as that is quite a personal question