Hi,
Ever since I was 9 I've wanted to be a pilot in the RAF. I was always the healthy one in our family too...
Then when I was 13 I developed epilepsy (in fact, it may not ever have been epilepsy, we had low-level CO poisoning in our house so perhaps just normal seizures...), but either way I was diagnosed with it and given medication - which made it worse, initially.
Anyway it's all controlled now, I'm about to go for a motorbike license (yay!) and I'm due to come off the medication pretty soon (hooray).
I have all the attibutes that they want, I have an almost genius-level IQ, I'm friendly and sociable, determined, ambitious, a good leader and a good follower, everything. I guess my main weakness is having no tolerance at all for arrogant or violent/macho tosspots.
On top of all this, my interest in the career hasn't faded over time, it's just got stronger. I'm at college leaving age now, and I'm left with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and a feeling of emptiness. I applied to university to do psychology, but goddamn, I don't want to go at all, I'm not looking forward to it. It's just something to fill up three years of my pointless life with.
Usually nothing gets to me, I'm a hard nut to crack, but I can't stand this a moment longer. Sometimes my chest will feel heavy, or I'll feel physically ill, or I'll want to smash the living !!!! out of something, or I'll just sit there getting so frustrated I want to explode. I think about it every day without exception. I've had a hard life, all sorts of things have taken their toll on me, and now I feel it's time for me to have my big break. I'd spend the next decade fighting in sole pursuit of being given a chance at being a pilot, if it were possible (maybe it is?). It's inexplicable just how much I want to do this, and how much the fact (fact? :|) that I can't gets to me, regardless of me being one of those few that could really make it. I just think "why me", "why am I the one with that weird medical condition that stops you doing anything fun?", and "why couldn't I have been that Eurofighter pilot, like I dearly deserved to be?"
I even have an official endorsement from one of the most qualified epilepsy experts in the country saying I'm fit for the job. I haven't shown this to anyone yet but I doubt it will change anything a great deal.
It really angers me all the time - everything, how nothing goes my way, how I'm being denied my only dream because of something that in practice will not make any difference. Combined with all the other problems I've had in my life, it just feels like the world is completely against me; I have to fight for absolutely everything. Even stuff like A levels gets me down now, usually this stuff doesn't bother me, but now I realise I'll be fighting another year for them...but I'm bored of fighting now. It's always fighting...
I've had the last five years to think of alternatives, but I have not found a single one that I would be at all contented with. I'll always be dreaming of what I should have had.
I don't know why I posted this, I can just never get it off my mind and I try and offload it in a healthy and productive manner as opposed to going ballistic at everyone for everything. My mum once described me as a "boiling cauldron of anger".
Help, please
