The BA Way
BA Management have just written a paper called "The BA Way" highlighting procedures they would like to see implemented to achieve cost-savings and revenue maximisation:
I though I'd share some words of wisdom! For Information, KPI stands for "Key Performance Indicators" - the way BA dtermines how effectively an employee or department is functioning.
Written by a Ground Staff member at LGW from the "I Wish I Had Said It Department!"..........
THE B A WAY
To fully understand "The BA Way" I have been living my life in the same manner as "The BA Way". Here are my results:
My mortgage lender is not happy with me; They insist I should be paying the new base rate of 4.5% on my mortgage instead of the Inflation +0.5% that I am offering them. Well, if they don't like it, they know what they can do - change lendee!
My bank manager has told me that my account is being poorly managed. I mewrely tell him it's not my fault, but my payees are holding up my throughput and my wealth has a high absence rate. I have told him that as long as I continue to control the negative fiscality, I am sure he will pay me a "Well Met" KPI bonus.
My Council Tax has risen by 5%, 6% and 14% in the last three years. I have told my council that they are not working "The BA Way". If they were, they should have raised my council tax by 2.5%, 3% and 2.75%. Until they bring their rises in line with "The BA Way" I have told them I am witholding funds. They have told me they are sending in the bailiffs.
Due to the unprecedented rise in petrol prices, I am filling up 55 litres, paying for it, filling up with another 5 litres and absconding without paying. Due to this, I am being hunted by police in three counties. When the catch up with me, I am sure they will accept my plea of "The BA Way".
Finally, my wife told me that her weekly shopping bill has risen from £120 to £150. This is an unacceptable rise of 25%. I have told her she should put in a claim of no more than £120 (RPI + 0.5%), but if she accepts, then we should see an increase of spensing on beer of 10%. She has now been absent from the kitchen for more than 10 days and I am placing her on an Absence Management Review Process. She has replied that I'll be lucky to see any rise in the bedroom for the forseeable future.......................