I'd rather stay here in Karachi

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Good evening, and welcome to my personal depository of anecdotes, to be downloaded for my leaving speech.

There was a 70 Sqn Beercall last Thurday afternoon with 6 people leaving. I had arranged to watch the England v Portugal football down the pub in Devizes with some friends, so I just went along to hear the leaving speeches and have 2 pints of free beer. Which I did. Then, driving off camp, the clutch broke on my car. Eeek! Can't fix it, its 1 hour to kick off, wife is on nightshift! I'm in uniform.

Okay. I'm in the military. I'm trained to deal with situations like this. Don't Panic. Stop. Think. Prioritise.

So I pushed it into a car park and walked to the Sgts Mess, booked a room for the night. Couldn't phone the wife at work, don't know the number. The 70 sqn party was fancy dress, so I went in shorts, T shirt and a Hercules toilet curtain as a cape. On my way in I met the Staish and the AOC on the way out. Agreed to meet them in the Junior Ranks disco later. A football match, with extra time and penalties later, I was struggling to remember that I was married, let alone remember that I should tell the wife where I was.

Anyway, after 25 years of various conflicts & wars, the wife rarely asks me if I get up to anything dangerous. Now, one night missing in Lyneham and she's on the phone to the Wiltshire Constabulary. (Fri morning by now) So my new Warrant Officer (who hadn't noticed that I was late for work) is now leading the search party. Anyway they found me, still in my toilet curtain, asleep in a room in the Sgts Mess. Luckily I hadn't puked in the bin or shat in the sink, although I was certainly drunk enough.

So that was that. A hangover that would have killed a civilian, an annoyed Warrant Officer, a tearful wife, a broken down car and a wedding to go to the next day.

All's well now. Fixed the car myself. Little rubber seal in the clutch slave cylinder, approx cost 20p, but had to buy the whole unit for £50. Wife has a short forgiving memory. WO was more worried that I'd be getting divorced. Sgts Mess staff just glad I didn't do a Grand Slam (and become their newest permanent resident) Wiltshire Constabulary Missing Person Case Number 116 closed (but on file?)

Glad England got beat 'cos I'm grounded.

I'm missing a few incidents from the night as well. I vaguely remember asking a Mess Dressed bemedalled Senior Loadie if he was 'Always_Broken_in_Wilts' but on reflection, I think for one night only, I was.