Here are some I picked up over the years!!!
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR HELICOPTER PILOTS
1. Keep always thine RPMs, for without them the gates of heaven shall close to thee, and thou shalt pass directly to Brick City.
2. Guard thy tail rotor as thy loins; it is a sacred thing and its loss maketh the earth spin, and rise up and smite thee.
3. Pickest thou up and sittest thou down with great care lest thy machine roll in the mud like the swine and makest thou an impoverished pedestrian.
4. Loadeth not thy machine unevenly or excessively, lest thou wander and stumble like the braying ass.
5. Run not thy fuel nor oil dry, for surely it is easier for the camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a fool to autorotate in the wilderness.
6. Linger not in the curve of the deadman, for it tempteth fate, and shall bringeth thee back pain.
7. Swoop not low without good reason, for many are the snares of Edison and Bell; their wires yieldeth not, and makest thee a yo-yo.
8. Loseth not sight of the earth if thou are not a master of the black art of "hard IFR," else thy machine shall seek the earth without thy counsel, and thy friends shall mourn the passing of a fool.
9. Loseth not thy G's for the sake of pushover or other folly, lest thy blades smite thee, and journey on without thee.
10. Descendeth not without airspeed, for the air beneath thee is wrathful, and wouldst conspire with the granite to swallow thee up, far from the seeing eye of SAR.
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"CIRCLES"
If you want a successful career as a helicopter pilot, you neeed to feel a deep love for "Circles". The "circle" is the first thing you will learn how to do when you are introduced to flying helicopters. It starts to get old during your first one hundred hours of flight experience, but the promise that "circles" will soon be a part of your past is what keeps you going. Unfortunitely "circles" are what you are going to be making for the duration of your career.
Your first job, after teaching others how to make "circles", is probably making "circles" doing tour flying. It's very funny that they say "circles" with an "S" (which leads you to believe that you might actually fly more than one route during your tour guiding career). "Circle" is what they should call it since the most excitement you will get out of flying tours is being able to say "Ya...I'm a REAL commercial helicopter pilot."
If you don't decide to do tours it's likely you will get hooked up with a logging operation. Ya, they make "circles" too. Really tight quick "circles", except YOU don't get to make them. You get to see them being made while you puke your guts out. And...Oh ya...your job is to count the "circles".
If you're real smart you will take on one of those "gulf jobs" where you don't have to make "circles". You get to make straight lines. Pretty exciting flying. After you make your initial climb out (to an altitude of 500 feet) you start monitoring your instrument guages. You never know when you're going to pop into IMC and start utilizing that instrument rating you paid dearly for. Although it pays more than your average grocery cart retrieving job you don't get to maneuver it back and forth in a creative "S" turn fashion while making your way back to shore. Those guys in the back (who by the way make triple your salary) don't like it. Better not piss them off three times in a row 'cause they'll get you canned in a heartbeat.
Now law inforcement...there's a job. Go to California and make "circles". The great thing about the CHP is that you get to make all the "circles" you want. I know...so why all of the sudden is making "circles" so much fun?!!...well I'll tell you. Because you don't have to unless you want to. The truth is, the CHP are allowed to do whatever the hell they want. OF COURSE they are all operating within their own personal limits. They're the CHP. You know...the ones who set the standard for commercial flying.
I don't mean to lead you on. Flying "circles" is fun, at first. Try this...sit in your fake leather computer chair and spin around a couple times. This effect may be accentuated after chugging a few cold Coors Lites. If you do this a few hundred thousand times you can begin to appreciate the joy of flying helicopters. Just remember...clear your turns 'cause your soon to be ex-wife doesn't like it when you spill beer on her carpet!
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Helicopter Monkey
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a helicopter company owner from the local airportd walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, track and balance, do hundred hour inspections, hot refuel aircraft with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Front desk" monkey; it can sell tours, take reservations, complete weight and balance forms, give passenger briefings and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"