Im going though a similar case
Before I write about my case , have you considered checking your Testosterone levels . I understand males don't have the tendency to check hormones ,but this thing is connected to so many mental health issues that you cant imagine?
I have been working as an expat FO for 4 years in A320 . Before that I was cabin crew for 8 years . Overall I am exposed to commercial aviation for about 16 years . I thrived in both professions and loved the job .
When everything seemed to go amazing with my life with a great future career , out of no where in beginning of 2023 I had a panic attack and this happened in flight .It was a very scary experience but I managed to hold up myself and not let the captain notice during the flight . I felt like I was gasping for air , trapped with no where to escape and like I was going to die . Tried to distract myself by drinking water and trying to open a topic to discus with captain. Meanwhile I was thinking to myself where is the nearest airport we can divert in case something happens to me. ...
This happened 3 weeks after I recovered from a second infection of Covid19....
As the days went by I started to get worried and more worried that it might happen again in flight and how I was going to handle with it . Started thinking that this will affect my work and I am going to lose my job because of this . I didn't seek help immediately because I thought this is just temporary and it will pass .
(Therefore I advice any colleagues please if you experience any mental health issue go seek for help immediately and don't delay , the more you delay the more damage it will do. However try to do it discretely and don't make the same mistake like I did ,to report the problem to your airline )
As the days went by , I started to develop fear of irrational fears to the point that by April I started to report sick to avoid flying . This thing was turning into a Phobia .
During this time I got a letter from the company that I was going to another fleet in A350 . If this transfer would have come one year ago , I was so ready and motivated to move to long and ultra long haul flying . But this time I had to accept the transfer with fear and worries on how will I deal with long haul flights , over the Atlantic or polar routes . I had no choice but to accept the transfer and sing a bond which placed on me more burden since I already have a loan and other financial responsibilities ...
Before May I reported sick for a lot of flights , I was only operating the short haul ones which gave me a sense of security and safety cuz you are busy in all the stages of flight and no time for irrational thoughts .
In may I went for the Type rating in A350 . Things were so bad that I couldn't focus on studies. Lost my motivation , my drive . Started feeling hopeless and started experiencing a bad insomnia . My mental health was deteriorating but i was pushing myself to complete the training . In the sim session I was performing up to standards but all the SOP I was referring to was from the A320 . Flows are quite similar ,with a difference to certain system and procedures ( A350 is a wonderful machine )
After completing LOFT and ZFTT was time to Line Flights . Its there where I broke down and told the company that I don't see myself fit to fly because I am having problems with sleep . Indeed I was worried about the safety of the passengers and the operations.
During May I reached a psychologist online and we started some CBT . He also suggested to check my Testosterone . When I checked it came out extremely low .
First thing to do I went to the AME , I thought it was the right thing to do and I didn't disclose the panic attack and the Anxiety Disorder I was going through as I am worried of loosing everything . I simply stated that I have trouble sleeping and I cant focus . He placed me on sick for the whole month of July and in 4 days time he arranged a visit with a Psychologist . They both didn't consider at all the testosterone levels and they diagnosed me with depression ( for which personally I don't think I have ) .
I'm still on sick for the whole month of August and I don't have anymore clue what is happening since every time I try to contact the AME and book for appointment for follow up , they say he is on leave and he is busy. I don't get payed anymore and still have a loan , rent and bills to pay , which is putting a lot of more stress anymore . I think I opened another cans of worms and I see no way out for now ...
Therefore I don't know how you are feeling now , but don't disclose your mental health to the Airline . I don't think Airlines have a proper plan to deal with mental health amongst pilots , maybe in EU and US they do , I am an expat is some other part of the world.
Of course Airlines are a business and they don't want you to be a liability but mental health can happen to anyone , we are people also....Please let me know how are you doing now . and yes talking to people helps , especially to colleagues having the same profession.
Wish you all the best .