ATC: Please advise time required for run-ups
(Get your sh!t together if you don't want to sit at holding for hours).
ATC: I have a window of opportunity - can you make X (reporting point) at Y (time).
(Get your sh!t together if you don't want to orbit for hours).
ATC: Heavy, reduce speed to X to allow for traffic landing on crossing runway.
(Give us a second while I see if Top Gun here can actually do a short field landing or will require the full 1800m in a lighty...again).
ATC: Confirm if visual?
Aircraft: Confirm visual - we found a hole.
ATC: (yeah, right. And I still believe in the Tooth Fairy...)
ATC: Hold at X (feature) until further advised.
(Don't get smart with me, Numpty!)
ATC: In with a ground station, say again?
(I was giving a heads up to the next sector about how much of a Numpty you really are, and wondering how in God's sweet name you actually managed to qualify for a licence of any description.)
ATC: Contact 1234 5678 after shutting down.
(Boy, get your wellies. You are in deep sh!t)
ATC: Aircraft X miles South of Y, you have traffic ahead, same altitude, in your 12 o'clock. Currently 7 miles and closing.
(Get your head out of the cockpit and pay attention!)
No response.
ATC: Second Aircraft X miles South of Y, you also have traffic ahead, same altitude in your 12 o'clock. Currently 6 miles and closing.
(FFS, I hope one of you is on this frequency and paying attention.)
ATC: I say again, XYZ, the cloud base is 800 feet, reducing in showers. Showers in area.
(You're VFR, FFS, and on a training solo, do you seriously want to do this?)
Aircraft: ATC, confirm (Aircraft) is to follow traffic currently in my 5 o'clock.
(Are you for real, dude?)
ATC: Aircraft, Affirmative. Follow the (Type) currently in your 5 o'clock.
(Yup. You pIssed me off once too often last week.)
ATC: Be aware that the SIDS departure procedure is (Reads out full SIDS departure procedure).
(Learn to read, shi!t-for-brains, then learn to fly.)
And a couple of my personal favourites:
NotATart: ATC, request 5 miles right of track.
ATC: Due weather?
(WTF? Its CAVOK)
NotATart: Affirmative.
Couple of minutes later.
NotATart: ATC, ready to resume track.
ATC: Confirm clear of weather?
(WTF are you up to?)
NotATart: Affirmative. The FO just wanted to take a pic of his mum's house.
ATC: Redroo, can you make X (position) at Y (time)?
Redroo: I will give her a fair ole kick in the guts, but I reckon we should be able to make that...
Last edited by outnabout; 12th Jun 2018 at 03:59.