Thank you all for the great comments. I think now is the time to announce a winner and draw this fantasy flight to a close.
In 3rd place: Hydromet
"We used to have an inflatable stewardess, too, but she went down."
In 2nd place:Wensleydale.
"He can handle most emergencies - except rapid decompression."
...and in 1st place, and the recipient of the prestigious Coffman Starter Trophy is:
Nutloose 
"I was told if I went into the cockpit I would see a big white knob, but it appears I am spoilt for choice."
The rest of you were ALL mentioned in dispatches.
