Military AircrewA forum for the professionals who fly the non-civilian hardware, and the backroom boys and girls without whom nothing would leave the ground. Army, Navy and Airforces of the World, all equally welcome here.
We are starting the planning for the mother of alll dining out nights for a top Staish as he leaves us for bluntie heaven. Mess Manager has given us free rein but I am after any high spirited "jolly japes" for before, during, and after the dinner.
1. He can drill tiny holes in the bottom of wine glasses - causing subtle leakage. However, last time I tried this several very expensive drill bits broke before we eventually 'fixed' one glass - the owner of which never even noticed any leakage!!
2. He can also issue anaesthetic gel, which if smeared subtley around the rim of your friend's glass will cause much merriment when his lips/mouth start to go numb shortly afterwards, or at the very least resulting in a very dry mouth and much licking of lips - especially recommended if your friend is giving a speech!!
Other classics -
1. Flour buried inside the napkin.
2. Bodge tape the chair to the table legs.
3. Use invisible thread to tie cutlery to the chair.
4. 'Interesting' pictures taped under the placemat.
5. Mobile phone with loud ring tone 'hidden' somewhere in the room, called by another mobile at a convenient time.
A goodly length of plastic tubing (usually from a pet shop, used in aquaria), some small cable ties, drawing pins and bodge tape along with some of the biggest syringes the Med Centre will trust you with (normally 50 or 60ml).
If you're a long way from your target (and it's useful to be on the same leg of the table) you may well need to prime the tubing and make sure the syringes are full before the meal.
There's nothing quite like watching someone squirm in wet mess kit for 3 courses, but your aim has to be good. I've had people looking for leaks in the ceiling before...just be careful of blowback if they're on the ball!
The syringes also come in handy if Mr Vice is crap. Terrible waste of port, though.
In no particular order: Small drop of food colouring (use a syringe), inside the wine glass above the stem, turns wine into whatever colour you fancy but does not spoil the taste. A Met Office helium balloon with talc inside is great during the speeches, especially if you can get it over the candles on the top table, managed this once, balloon burst and speaker disappeared into a Hiroshima cloud of Johnsons & Johnsons finest. Have a word with the Mess Manager and substitute some of the menus with ones containing made up course/wine names, you can have a real dig at people with descriptions of food aimed at them. Radio controlled micro-cars and tanks running around the tables are good during the speeches as are the radio-controlled airships. A smoke machine (hired from a prop company or even the local mobile disco) and lengths of hosepipe is always a winner. Small water pistols or syringes filled with water are useful to start some inter leg rivalry during the meal. Have fun.
Off at a tangent if I may, but the met balloon reminded me of a particularly devius met man I knew years ago, when the gas used was hydrogen. He partialy filed a balloon, lit a slow burning tail fuse and let it go in the general direction of a village. Given that this was late evening, his perfect timing resulted in a veritable fireball a few hundred feet above the roof tops and one or two phone calls. Classic.
Or alternatively cut through the candles at a mid point so that the lower part of the wick is moved away from top part. Sliced carefully all candles go out at about the same time for no apparent reason plunging local area into darkness.
And of course who can forget cabbage + thunder flash = .........
(just remember to ensure that as many windows are open as possible - shock waves in closed, mainly glass "walled", rooms don't mix!! )
If your stn houses more than one sqn, my favourite would be canadian-style table sawing.
1. Go to Nutts Corner market and buy an old officers' mess-style dining table for a fiver or go to B&Q and buy some marine ply, 2x2 and Ronseal dark mahogany varnish and construct an officers' mess-style dining table.
2. When the dining-in is set up, remove a real table from where your sqn officers are sitting and replace it with your construction.
3. After the high heid-yins have retired to the bar, challenge other sqn(s) to table sawing competition offering bottle of champers to the fastest, and proceed to saw your table in half.
4. Taunt other sqn(s) as wooses until they do the same to theirs.
5. Whether you win or lose, the best bit is bringing your proper table back and watching the other sqn(s) contemplate their mess bills.
"The Mess Manager has given me free rein? " Whow! What did the PMC say? As I said on another thread, the Mess is run for the benefit of the staff and not the members You will probably find that the mess manager will ask you all to leave about 2230 so the staff can tidy up amd go home and take all the left overs with them!
arthurwellington Hopefully, you will see your 30 years out (provided Wars r'us Tony doesn't 'do for you' early), hopefully you might even attain a reasonable rank level in that time; and you might, just might, have had an eventful, exciting time and met a lot of good mates.
Then you get your final dining out.
You are probably facing an uncertain future (not too many jobs out there for 55 year olds) and will miss the warmth and camerarderie of the mob and this is your golden chance to say "Thanks, I've had a great time - I wish you well for the future". And then some little tosser like you were 30 years before ruins the whole thing.
Brace yourself, the whole process - from being a tosser to being tossed out - happens to us all
Location: South of the Great Divide and West of the Greenwich Meridian
As a 30 year man, with just over 7 to do, if I haven't got a funny story to entertain folks at my leaving do then I won't stand up. I am frankly bored by those that drivel on about nothing for 20 mins . Yes I am PA and proud of it - hopefully means I can do the job I am paid for (some may disagree) .