Martinburney
13th Feb 2003, 17:58
The following posting has been copied from the Air Britain Forum.
I'm sure you will enjoy it.
Regards Martin Burney
I know the following has done the rounds - but I still think it's great fun
- and thus worth reproducing for those who may not have seen it.
Regards
Malcolm P Fillmore
> Pilot Gripes
>
> After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet, which conveys to the >
mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that >
need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot >
completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then >
respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was >
taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never >
let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here
> are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
> Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
> way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
> (P = the problem logged by the pilot. S = the solution and action taken by
> the engineers.)
>
> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something lose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
I'm sure you will enjoy it.
Regards Martin Burney
I know the following has done the rounds - but I still think it's great fun
- and thus worth reproducing for those who may not have seen it.
Regards
Malcolm P Fillmore
> Pilot Gripes
>
> After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet, which conveys to the >
mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that >
need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot >
completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then >
respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was >
taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never >
let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here
> are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
> Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
> way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
> (P = the problem logged by the pilot. S = the solution and action taken by
> the engineers.)
>
> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something lose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.