A bit of a laugh

[mckelvey]

Royal Marine Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet, even your friends


6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
12. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

SBS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

SAS Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lt’s; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

RAF Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on Sky.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Government with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ’key’ MPs invite MOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tea-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

RN Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines


****: A Definition
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is ****."

An Para stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and tabbed 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good ****."

A Marine lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great ****."

An SAS Trooper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this ****."

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of **** is this?"

[Basil]

Very amusing.
Related tale to Army friend of tabbing up Pen y Fan during RAF officer training.
AF: "That's a curious place to go looking for an hotel!" :)

[smujsmith]

So where's the punch line here, all I can see are accurate facts !! :rolleyes:

Smudge

[Lima Juliet]

Lost it's credibility down the list after starting quite strong. First line of the RAF line of "Have a cocktail" is incorrect, there is only one Service into having 'Cockers Ps' and that is the senior one!

You missed on the SBS line 'Moan like an old woman if there is no water involved' and 'Dislike anyone in a red flying suit'.

Finally, in the RAF line you missed 'Leave early before the rest as the chicks dig flying suits...:E' and 'Listen to constant droning about the unfairness of flying pay and why does it need officers to fly'.

LJ

[BEagle]

Plagiarised from a US website, with a few rather amateur amendments...

E.g. in 'Royal Marines' 6., calibre is spelled the US way, in 'RAF' 9, 'tee-time' is incorrectly spelled 'tea-time'. Which is far too early for a pot of Earl Grey and some crumpets.

The original version is:

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy SEALs Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines


:rolleyes:

[500N]

Some of the above are quite funny.


Leon
"and why does it need officers to fly'."

I know it was Army but the Apache display at RAF Cosford
was flown by a Staff Sgt with Capt Wales as Co Pilot.

[NutLoose]

Wasn't it originally to do with carrying Buckets Of Instant Sunshine?
Only Orficers were allowed to drop them, ohh and........... But I better not go there.

[TomJoad]

Wasn't it originally to do with carrying Buckets Of Instant Sunshine?
Only Orficers were allowed to drop them, ohh and........... But I better not go there.

Nope the NCO cadre in the RAF are the smartest of the lot - they send their officers to war:ok:

[smujsmith]

TomJoad,

I seem to remember, from a dim and distant past:

The army are led into battle by their Officers

The navy go in to battle with their Officers

The RAF send their Officers into battle.

:= Smudge

[TomJoad]

TomJoad,

I seem to remember, from a dim and distant past:

The army are led into battle by their Officers

The navy go in to battle with their Officers

The RAF send their Officers into battle.

:= Smudge

ah war - battle , of course!:}

[Pontius Navigator]

RED FLYING SUIT and flip flops.

[spectre150]

I assumed tee-time was a golfing term.....

[Exascot]

"and why does it need officers to fly'."

I know it was Army but the Apache display at RAF Cosford
was flown by a Staff Sgt with Capt Wales as Co Pilot.

In the Royal Air Force the officers know what to do and can make the decisions (not necessarily correct ones - however).

In the army the officers have to ask their NCOs what they should do so they may as well go and do it themselves :cool:

[gijoe]

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of **** is this?"

I bet he is an interesting NCO to be around...:D

G

[Four Types]

The Army sleep under the stars

The Navy navigate by the stars

The RAF use the stars to judge the quality of the hotel...

[smujsmith]

All officer crews:

I did the Q-A-VUL course (Vulcan airframes) at Waddo in 1973 prior to my posting to Akrotiri, on Lightnings :confused: The instructor, a chap called George Anthony (Chf Tech) explained to me why the V Bombers had all officer crews as opposed to the C130 I was moving from.

It seems that the Vulcan, as the other Vs, had a problem in that the pressurisation system had a couple of different settings normal/ combat, where it had been found that changes (in pressurisation) could lead to an efflux of gastric gasses from cabin occupants. It was decided, at high level, that this scenario was incompatible with maintaining dignified relations between Commissioned and Non Commissioned Aircrew. It was therefore decided that the Vs would carry all Commissioned Crew.

Funnily, Avro had foreseen this problem and designed the cabin conditioning system with a unit called the "oofle foofle" valve. The sole purpose of this valve was to ensure that any offending odorous eruption, anywhere in the cabin, was instantly distributed at all stations at the same time. No one could have the finger pointed as being the perpetrator and therefore crew harmony was maintained.:eek: funny thing was, there was even a question on it in the end of course exam. I'm sure all the ex V force guys can confirm this.

Smudge

[ricardian]

I heard a story (already related elsewhere on Pprune) that an army officer was being shown around one of the RAF fast jets. The only question from the army officer was "where does your driver sit?"

[Genstabler]

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

[Graham@IDC]

I had a similar experience when showing a colonel round the cockpit of my Phantom. In all seriousness he asked " so do you know what all the switches and dials are for?"

[Door Slider]

After going u/s on start once, I wandered over to the stick commander to explain that there was a problem with the hydraulic system and that there would be a two hour delay.

He replied "do you guys not DI your vehicles in the morning!!"

I could not make my look of disbelief any more obvious.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Can I point out that in Cyprus in days gone by, Golf Dispersal would have been deserted at 1345hrs as the bar opened at One. Tea? Long Island Iced Tea maybe, but Brandy Sours and Horses Necks were the usual.

I once deployed on an Army yacht.When an 0530 departure was announced for next day, I (jokingly I thought) claimed the RAF had never heard of 0530, and that tea at 0700 would be acceptable. I was duly woken at said time with said beverage.

[Al-bert]

Place: a SAR Flight 'somewhere in Scotland'. Occasion, a House of Lords Defence Study Group visiting for a briefing on our aircraft and role one winter's evening a long time ago.
Our Navigator/winch operator stays to listen to phones (and watch TV), I take half a dozen Noble Lords into the hangar where the Winchie has laid out all the kit and dressed in his orange bag. Part way through the Winchie's well honed presentation one particularly bright Lord cuts in with "why do you need a winch operator, can't the pilot do that". "Not accurate enough Sir, he can't see below the aircraft". "Well, put a glass floor in""that's where the engines are, Sir" "well, what's down there?" gesturing to the fuselage aft of the cabin "put the engines down there!" "Come on Charles" says another Nob(le) Lord, "lets go to the bar!" :ugh:

[smujsmith]

A bit of a laugh would be incomplete without a story from Ascot airlines regarding the superiority of the Air Load Master, and their antics.

A certain MALM, P*** T***, was part of a crew taking some, I heard, Coldstream Guardsmen on a training deployment to Kenya. On the way down, and whilst suffering a delay to departure from their overnight stop, our hero decides that as he is at least the equivalent of an RSM, and they had an hour to spare, he would exercise the troops, who, by that time had been delivered to Albert. Come on you lot he shouts, fall in, in three's at the rear of the aircraft.

Imagine the scene. MALM PT on ramp, giving orders to about 40 Coldstream Guardsmen, marching in threes behind the aircraft. Left turn, Right Turn, About turn. Then it started to rain, and as always in Africa, a bloody deluge ensued. This in no way affected our MALM who continued to drill the troops, from the dry, luxury of the aircraft ramp. Feeling a tap on his shoulder, he was surprised to see the Senior, SNCO from the army detachment smiling at him, "very nice bit of drill P***", but can you excuse the Colonel the drill in the rain, he's getting on a bit and it might not be good for him.:eek:

Anyone who served on the Herk fleet will know numerous stories of this "legend of a loadie", I hope this one brings a smile.

Smudge

[500N]

smujsmith
That would have been worth seeing :O


Al-bert
Just about sums up Pollies !

[ExAscoteer]

Anyone who served on the Herk fleet will know numerous stories of this "legend of a loadie"

Ah yes, the P*** T*** Memorial Bolt-Cutters!

[Big Pistons Forever]

RCAF On the Job performance requirement:

"Without assistance from an NCM, and lacking a menu, be able to order a nutritious meal from the hotel room service."

BPF

RCN(R) :E

[smujsmith]

I have this P*** T*** story which involves him, down route, with a crew who decided to "wind him up". As the aircraft was started, with PT outside on his long lead, the lead was disconnected, thrown from the crew door and the door closed. The aircraft then started to Taxy, with the "front end" passing PT with the obligatory "Victory" gesture.

As they drew level with the exit from the pan the Captain had a quick double take, and realised the joke was on them. To the left of the taxiway entry was a line of luggage, neatly lined up. You guessed it, the Captain, Co, Nav and the Flt Eng were looking at their own bags. You did not get far if you tried it on with PT :D

And for dessert:

A rumour went around the Albert fleet, as I was " a Gee eee ing ", about a very well braid bounded Navigator, who, arrived at the aircraft with the "Royals" bags. Pilot and Co, both lowly Flt Lts, placed their bags on the aircraft and got back on the bus to go to flight planning. The Nav dropped his bags near the crew door and shouted to PT "keep an eye on my bags will you loadie" and joined them on the bus. All went as well as one could get on yet another majestic Albert intercontinental sojourn to the west.

9 hours or so later, on arrival at St Johns, Newfie. Our Nav is having difficulty locating his luggage. On asking PT "I say Loadie, where are my bags ?" He was informed that as requested, he (PT) had kept an eye on the bags, right up until the point of taxiing, at which point he observed the Groundcrew, with safety in mind, moving them off to the side of the parking bay to allow the aircraft to taxy out. "I suppose they are by the Houchin on Bay 27 sir" says he. :rolleyes:

The man truly is a legend, mainly because, despite his obvious humour, he was also respected for his proffessionalism, reflected in his maintaining a high Cat and MALM status. Them was the daze, as they say in these parts.

Smudge