Merry xmas! post a good joke eh?

[Pilot.Lyons]

ok why not post some jokes to cheer everyone up a little...
im well known for my rubbish ones so here goes....

what wobbles and flies? ............... jellycoptor



burger and chips walks into a bar and says to the barman
"two pints of lager please"
and the barman replies
"im sorry we dont serve food"


hahah rubbish eh?

can anyone beat them?

[Deano777]

can anyone beat them?

Nope, they are truly crap :E

[Pilot.Lyons]

;)

Hehe no jokes from anyone?

Man pilots are boring! :p

[Ryan5252]

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied look on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and grunts "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" :D

(Gets coat...)

[mad_jock]

What do you call a telly tubbie with his finger up his arse?



Stinky pinkie!!

[peterh337]

Bunny the rabbit walks into a bar.
"Cheese and onion tastie please".
Eats his toastie and goes home.

The next day, Bunny the rabbit walks into the bar.
"Egg and bacon toastie please"
Eats his toastie and goes home.

The next day, a ghost of a rabbit walks in to the bar.
"Hello Bunny, what happened to you??"

"Mixing my toasties!"

[stickandrudderman]

So I'm sitting at my usual spot by the bar when in walks Van Gogh.
"Blimey!" says I, "You're Van Gough, can I buy you a drink?"
"No thanks", says Van Gough, "I've got one 'ere".

[mcgoo]

Next time you're having a bad day imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin, you're brothers gay and you're not and you only have the one asshole!

[Pilot.Lyons]

Hahaha love it!

:)

[Ryan5252]

Lets not give up our day jobs eh?! :}

[BRL]

Yea and remember guys, there are people under 16 who read this forum.

Let's try and keep them aviation related too :)

[fattony]

What do tailwheel pilots use for contraception?

Their personalities.

[maxred]

Wot do you call a guy with a seagull on his head - Cliff

Knock, Knock, who's there, ISABEL, Isabel whom?

Isabel necessary on a bike?

UK joke - David Cameron

French joke - Nicholas Sarkozeeeeee.....

And the beat goes on..........:ooh:

[pudoc]

What do you call a pregnant flight attendent? Pilot error.

--

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

:}

[Pom pom]

I was having a quiet drink with a mate of mine the other evening when out of the blue he confided in me that he was addicted to brake fluid. When I expressed my concern he assured me he could stop any time.

[Obi_Wan]

There are only two types of aircraft - fighters and targets.

The CAA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy

There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the fat one.

[PompeyPaul]

Pilot takes a flight to Dusseldorf airfield, where the ATC are renowned for their germanic observance of rules. Having harassed the pilot through the circuit, the pilot finally lands and is taxi-ing along when the ATC asks the pilot to hold short of charlie.

"Charlie, just looking on the map to see where that is"
"What is wrong with you GBFBD? You've never been to Dusseldorf before?
"I did once, but it was back in the 40s, night, and we didn't land....."

[Pilot.Lyons]

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes. He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp £9 notes.

[Pilot DAR]

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

[Duchess_Driver]

Just as he was completing the walkround of the sleigh and reindeer prior to his checkride, Santa sees his examiner walking out carrying his flight bag in one hand and a double-barrelled 12 guage in the other.

"What the heck is that for?" asks Father C.

Without missing a beat the examiner responds "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but your going to get an engine failure after take-off!"

:ok:

[Crash one]

Mick & Pat hire an a/c & pilot to take them moose hunting. They bag 6 moose which they drag back to the a/c.
Pilot says "thats too heavy you will have to leave 3 behind". Mick says " we hired the same type of a/c last year & the pilot let us take them all" eventually the pilot agrees & they head off across the lake, the a/c drags itself off with feet to spare, decends into the valley & crashes into trees.
They all crawl out the wreck & Mick asks Pat "where do you think we are?"
Pat says "I don't tink we're far from where we crashed last year".

[Pilot DAR]

Excellent Duchess Driver!

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

[Pilot.Lyons]

Haha love them

:D

[24Carrot]

Q: What do you get if you plot a forum pilot's ego versus reported hours?

A: Nobody knows. The graph is too big to read!

[Unusual Attitude]

This is all far too PC, about time we threw in some sexist female pilot jokes....:E

What do you call a blonde flying an ILS?

A non-precision approach.

-----------------

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Ed, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cock pit.”

“It’s the Box office.”

----------------

A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.

Regards

UA

[BackPacker]

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

The version I know ends with "Sir, if you don't turn, may I suggest flashing the fasten seatbelt sign and bracing for impact?"

And of course, although not aviation related, this one is in the same spirit:

fscydKvocrw

[dont overfil]

What's the difference between a jet engine and the cabin crew?

The engines stop whining when the aircraft gets to the gate.

-----------------------------------------

Aircraft getting vectors to the ILS.

Female ATC. "Speedbird 123 can I turn you on at eight miles?"

Speedbird captain. "Madam you can try!"


D.O.

[smith]

All pilots marry nymphomaniacs.

After three months the nympho has gone and he is left with the maniac!!!
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How do you know if there is a pilot in the same room as you?

He'll tell you!!!

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An EL AL captain friend of mine was telling me he had his son circumcised when he was only 5 days old, and the poor we thing couldn't walk for a year after it!!!

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So strictly has come to an end for another year.

The highlight for me was when RUSSEL GRANT was shot out of the cannon with a POOF!!!

[ExSp33db1rd]

So now we have 2 Friday Jokes ?