Performance reports

[brickhistory]

Since I get the hono(u)r of manning a desk in the Pentagon as a coffee boy for a senior USAF guy, one of my tasks is to write/process the endless performance reports on the personnel assigned.

Any good, humo(u)rous gems out there?


*(u) transfer provided to the UK cousins at no extra charge!

[movadinkampa747]

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Deserves promotion: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

[Comp Charlie]

"Consistently sets himself low standards and struggles to achieve them"

CC

[roush]

Excels at enjoying himself

Sgt blah is a tall, well presented young man who, if he wasn't bald, would have well trimmed black hair.

[charliegolf]

This officer/soldier/airman has all the attributes of a dog. Except loyalty.

CG

[Comp Charlie]

"If you were to cut this Airman with a knife, he would bleed Airforce Blue"

:yuk:

CC

[Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!]

...his men will follow him anywhere, if only out of curiosity...

[Ali Barber]

This officer has some good and original thoughts; the good are not original and the original are not good.

In spite of the fact that his records show to the contrary, he displays no signs of having ever attended an officers’ training school.

Bloggs is currently a potential officer, I see no reason for that to change.

When this pilot says he has control, he lies!

At one time RN officers were permitted to petition the Board of Admiralty regarding promotion. It is reported that that one officer wrote:

"In every promotion list there is one officer of whom all know him remark
“How on earth did he make it!" Your Lordships, I should like to be that
officer"

"This sortie often shows the limits of a student's capacity. If that was the only aim, it would have been a pass"

If ignorance really is bliss, then Officer Cadet F is the world's happiest person.

From the school master to the officers selection board -

"I'm afraid I can't recommend Bloggs to HM's armed services - in fact I'd
feel safer if he were on the other side".

Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

I would not breed from this Officer

Two successive entries in his 5000. The first read "Smith tends to breathe heavily during the final approach." The following day's entry read "Have joined Smith in breathing heavily during the final approach."

"Smith wholeheartedly agrees that he is a sycophantic individual......."

“You have lots of outstanding qualities and if there was a war you would be exactly the sort of chap that we would need. However, as it is, I cannot recommend your promotion to master aircrew and I'm issuing you with a formal warning"

He has the wisdom of youth and energy of old age.

"Bloggs exudes a level of confidence rarely matched by competence."

“Fg Off xxxxx has the knack of making strangers immediately…………
if you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one………
he would argue with a signpost”

"To entrust Bloggs with the command of even a wheelbarrow would be to take a serious risk; were he to be granted command of a mechanically propelled vehicle such as a bicycle, I would wish to be posted to another planet"

"We keep saying 'has potential' but if that doesn't start translating soon then I will just have to assume that you are actually crap"

Bloggs displayed the handling skills of a lorry driver and the airmanship of a u-boat commander

From the commercial world, "I feel that Bloggs' undoubted talents, whatever they may be, would be better deployed in a different sized bank. A much larger bank, a larger bank, a smaller bank or a much smaller bank, any of these would be suitable."

"By pressing the aircraft start button, F/O ******* sets in motion a sequence of events over which he has little control".

[BEagle]

"To entrust Bloggs with the command of even a wheelbarrow would be to take a serious risk; were he to be granted command of a mechanically propelled vehicle such as a bicycle, I would wish to be posted to another planet"

That was one of mine - who pinched it?

One of my favourites,told to me by our CFI, was "When this student says he has control, he lies!"...

Although I did once write "It would undoubtedly be considerably simpler to teach a pig to ride a bicycle than to teach this student to land a Bulldog in a crosswind".

Some idiot once wrote "Bloggs is one of nature's bachelors", thinking that this was a charitable way of describing the character of the drinking, whoring rip **** about whom he was writing. Wrong - because the ignorant ex-grammar school oik didn't realise that what he'd actually written was a Victorian euphemism for "Bloggs is a poof"!

[jindabyne]

Careful BEags - you'll have that nice chap McClelland after you

[brickhistory]

Careful BEags - you'll have that nice chap McClelland after you


Friday afternoon cocktail....spew......feverish mopping up! :ok:

[movadinkampa747]

"Bloggs is a poof"!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Poor old blogs. He gets a lot of stick. At least he is entitled to an Married quarter:uhoh: :uhoh: :uhoh: :uhoh: :uhoh: :uhoh:

[Ali Barber]

Full report written by QFI at Valley when I was there:

"This student is gash!"

Returned by CFI, annotated:

"Please use correct English!"

Resubmitted by QFI:

"This student are gash!":ok:

[saudipc-9]

Somewhere there is a village missing it's idiot because he works for me!!

[Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!]

...has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein

[BEagle]

At the UAS, we had to write 'PAT' (Progress, Attitude, Technique) comments on our students every term.

One of mine, on a RAF University Cadetship, hadn't turned up for training once during the term. So all I wrote on his form was "Who?"

It was returned by the CFI and I was told to write more. So I wrote something like "I do not know who APO Bloggs is. He has yet to make himself known to me and has been absent from training this term without explanation. He has made no Progress, his Attitude can only be considered questionable and his Technique unassessable."

"Fine", said the CFI, "the little bugger is for the chop!".

[Clockwork Mouse]

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.”

“I would not breed from this officer.”

“This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”

“When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”

“He carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.”

“He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.”

“Technically sound, but socially impossible.”

“This officer reminds me of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic rate but never really going anywhere.”

“This officer has delusions of adequacy.”

“When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.”

“This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.”

“In my last report I judged this officer to have reached rock bottom. Since then he has started to dig.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.”

“In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.”

“He works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

[buoy15]

"Bloggs has reinforced my belief in the reason why some mothers eat their young at birth"

[Oggin Dodger]

"Bloogs can fly smoothly and accurately, but sadly not at the same time"

[allan907]

I once wrote on the assessing officer's portion of the RAF recruiting paperwork "This man is a w*nker".

Unfortunately his mum, thinking that the sun shone out of her son's backside, asked her MP why her son wasn't being accepted into the RAF. The resultant Parliamentary Question bounced back down to the office and I had to hurriedly reconstruct the form and write a whole paragraph in recruitment speak about why the bloke was w*nker and unsuitable for the RAF!

I learnt about correct paperwork from that!

[Green Flash]

This man has as much impact as a f@rt in a gale.

[k3k3]

Isn't the correct terminology: A wet fart in a thunderstorm.

[Green Flash]

Present weather = nil:8

[SAR Boy Anchor]

Things I've actually had on my flying reports:-

Anchor, sometimes you have the touch of a gorilla.

Anchor, if you put a enough monkeys in enough planes one of them will fly the perfect barrel roll. This is the only explaination I have for your flying today.

[tablet_eraser]

Report written on one of my airmen post-disciplinary by his Flt Cdr:

"SAC Bloggs continues to bounce along the bottom of the barrel, and has yet to succeed in even denting it."

These are old favourites:

1RO: Fg Off Smith has devoted much of his free time to charitable causes, and has recently raised money to purchase an electric chair for a local pensioner.
2RO: In fairness to Fg Off Smith, the electric chair referred to by the 1st RO is in fact intended to help the pensioner move around. I do not believe Smith has homicidal tendencies.

1RO: Fg Off Bloggs is clearly not cut out for military life; quiet, reticent to act and slow to learn, I believe he could find a richly fulfilling future career as a Trappist monk.
2RO: I am pleased to note an overall improvement in Bloggs's abilities.

"Consitently fails to achieve the low standards he sets himself."