The UK/US gap [Archive] - PPRuNe Forums

Maple 01

20th Jun 2006, 22:39

Crabby, over on the other place (ARRSE) reported this credo he’d been exposed to whilst on loan to the US Army:

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.
Feeling a little queasy I had a go at a parody, those that know me know that no-one in their right mind would let me near a Herc, let alone try and fix one, however

I am a gash ‘Guin.
I am a scruff and a member of A watch.
I serve the brews unless I can jif the LAC.
I will not be beaten by obsolete technology or lack of spares, this ******* Herc will fly ,I am too bloody minded to admit defeat.
I will never quit – until it’s past 4:30pm –unless it’s another rush job for the blokes sausage-side.
I will never leave a Ginsters pie or Kit-Kat behind.
I might look undisciplined, physically and mentally soft and half-trained. I haven’t got a war face –don’t be fooled – being a Rock isn’t everything.
I always notionally know where my gun is, I may even clean it from time to time.
I am an expert and I am a professional – and that annoys my boss, 'cos he can't do without us.
I stand ready to complain about deploying, but will help the winged elite engage, and destroy the enemies of HRH Liz if asked nicely- **** them all, gollies/towel-heads/dagos to a man.
I am a gate guardian at times, and it pisses me off.
I am technically part of the British military, and therefore am not allowed to lose wars even if I’ve got a note.
I am a gash ‘Guin.

Others in a similar vein are welcome

The Helpful Stacker

21st Jun 2006, 06:35

I am a Stacker.
I work here because McDonald's didn't have any vacancies.
I serve the 'customer' as long as it doesn't get in the way of my internet surfing.
I occasionally do some work.
I occasionally manage to do it right.
I finish at 1700 (1200 on a Friday).
I'm afraid you can't have that as someone else might need it.
I know the JSP cover to cover and manage to remember enough to allow myself Gucci kit but have temporary amnesia when non-stackers are involved.
Its no good pointing because USAS says its not there.
I know packs of biscuits or slabs of beer grease the supply wheels.
I did a bit of time of TSW, living in muddy holes isn't big or clever.
I guard my stores with my life, I paid for this kit you know?
I am a Stacker.

;)

Rocket2

21st Jun 2006, 10:53

I am a Kipper Fleet crewmember
I am obese & full of bulls*$t
I serve my crew the rations that OC Catering supplies
I will always eat the curry first
I will never accept salad sandwiches or UHT milk
I will never sleep when there is food in the galley
I will never leave an unopened packet of crisps or a half-eaten pie
I am disciplined & trained as a proficient chef & hold a food handlers certificate:8
I always ensure that the aircraft’s oven works before take-off, but never, never clean it
I am an expert on getting my wife to go out dressed as a tart;)
I stand ready to collect rations & throw stale pies at the enemy when all the out of date sonobouys & torpedo’s have been used up
I am the guardian of the Kipper Fleet traditions, but can’t recall exactly what my job is
I am a Kipper Fleet crewmember:ok:

BellEndBob

21st Jun 2006, 11:59

I am a Fast Jet Pilot.
Me me me me me me me
Me me me me me me me
Me me me me me me me
Me me me my Chav wife
Me me me me me me me
I am a fast Jet Pilot.

An Teallach

21st Jun 2006, 12:03

I am a Scribbly.
I am an Office-Warrior and what is a team?
I serve myself and live the AP3392 values.
I will always place myself first.
I will never accept responsibility.
I will never do anything productive, therefore have nothing to quit.
What is a fallen comrade?
I am bone-headed, physically unattractive and mental, trained and proficient in my office-warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, particularly my wrists.
I am an expert at looking busy and I am a professional avoider of productive work and responsibility.
I stand ready to deploy other people to engage and destroy the enemies of HMTQ, though my only experience of close combat is back-stabbing.
I am a guardian of the cash.
I have been replaced by a computer.

BellEndBob

21st Jun 2006, 12:30

I am an MOD Civil Servant
I am non gender specific
I am trained in Equal Opportunities
I am untouchable
I do not cooperate
I watch the clock
I am aroused by my relatives
I have/need a form for everything
I am fecking useless
I am an MOD Civil Servant

mutleyfour

21st Jun 2006, 14:47

Im not American

Thank God

Spotting Bad Guys

21st Jun 2006, 15:00

I am an RAFP LAC/Acting Cpl/Unpaid
I am a scuffer and although I am supposed to be a member of a team, I am quite willing to sell anyone up the river given the opportunity
I serve myself and OC Plod to generally get in the way of getting things done
I will always place the mission to nail anyone for breach of SyOps whilst merrily surfing for porn under the auspices of 'auditing'
I will never accept defeat unless there are more Rocks than Scuffers
I will never quit trying to look like a real policeman
I will never leave a fallen comrade unless faced with an unlruly mob in the bop
I like to be disciplined, physically and mentally, trained and proficient in my tasks and drills - barrier up, barrier down
I always maintain my arms, my laser speed detector and my abilities to spot an open window at 40 paces
I am an expert prosecution witness and I am professional in writing witness statements 'to save time'
I stand ready to deploy to cushy locations, engage in ATSy, and place tamper-proof labels on aircraft prior to pushing off on the p**s, or to defeat enemies of the United Kingdom in close combat whilst playing Blackhawk Down on the PS2
I am a guardian of freedom of thought but not an example of the practice
I am an RAFP LAC/Acting Cpl/Unpaid

diginagain

21st Jun 2006, 15:09

I are a Rock

What was the next bit?

Confucius

21st Jun 2006, 15:10

I am a navigator
You want to brief at what time in the morning? :eek:
Where are my allowances?
Where's my hotel room?
Where's my food?
I am a navigator

brickhistory

21st Jun 2006, 15:16

Im not American
Thank God

Amen to that fact, brother! Amen to that!

Bonus points to you for the punctuation expertise as well:ok:

Toddington Ted

21st Jun 2006, 15:48

Absolutely brilliant! Keep 'em coming folks!

The Gorilla

21st Jun 2006, 16:07

Watch it I can feel Sasless is inbound!!
:rolleyes:

SASless

21st Jun 2006, 16:17

Not at all....good humour is always funny. I am a fan of Skippy and have often made mock of such things. If one cannot laugh at one's self then there is a problem.
You have heard of the US Marine Rifleman Creed....here is the modern version.

This is my PowerPoint. There are many like it but mine is 7.0.

My PowerPoint is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as I master my life.

My PowerPoint without me is useless.
Without my PowerPoint, I am useless.

I must format my slides true. I must brief them better
than the other J-cells who are trying to out brief me.
I must brief the impact on the CINC before he asks me. I will!

My PowerPoint and myself know that what counts in this war
is not the number of slides, quantity of animations, the colors
of the highlights, or the format of the bullets. We know that it
is the new information that counts. We will brief only new information!

My PowerPoint is human, even as I, because it is my life.
Thus I will learn it as a brother.

I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its fonts,
its accessories, its formats, and its colors.

I will keep my PowerPoint slides current and ready to brief.
We will become part of each other. We will!

Before God I swear this creed. My PowerPoint and myself are
defenders of my country. We are the masters of our subject.
We are the saviors of my career.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy,
but peace (and the next exercise)!

Melchett01

21st Jun 2006, 22:11

I am Noo Labour
I am self-serving, a team of one
I serve myself and live by dubious values that change depending on the situation.
I will always place my own career first.
I will never accept defeat, never quit. I will squirm and lie my way out of every fight.
I will never leave a fallen comrade unless his death allows us to bury bad news.
I am ill-disciplined, morally manoeuvreable, trained and proficient in my lying ba:mad:rd tasks and drills.
I always maintain my excuses and have many for use in all situations.
I stand ready to deploy thousands of young men and women on dubious operations to get my Noble Prize.
I am ready to engage with and destroy the enemies of the Noo Labour in close combat in the Press and Briefing Rooms.
I am a guardian of MY career and MY way of life.
I am a 2-faced lying cheating bas:mad:ard hell bent on ruling a once great country through the principles of divide and conquer.
I am Noo Labour and this is my spin.

Noo Labour: si quam primum vos operor non successio, recubo quod recubo iterum

Rather be Gardening

22nd Jun 2006, 09:15

I am a retired Very Senior Officer
I have bullied and back-stabbed my way to the top.
I really thought JPA was a good way to get rid of the Administrators
And no-one was more surprised than me when EDS offered me a job!
I stand ready to continue to interfere in the RAF
Until someone tells me it's their trainset now and to get a life.
What do you mean, everyone hated me?
I am a retired Very Senior Officer

OCCWMF

22nd Jun 2006, 09:26

Geniuses all!

clicker

22nd Jun 2006, 12:55

I am a police controller.
I am a seated shiny warrior and should be a member of a team.
Sod the people of my police area but the controller rules, OK?
I will always pass the crap job to anyone daft enough to accept it..
I accept defeat as long as the crap job is not back on my queue.
I will never quit in passing the buck.
I will never leave a fallen police officer but everyone else can sink or swim.
I was disciplined and now I'm mental through dealing with lying idiots proficient in nicking things.
I always maintain my arms, legs and stomach in a large bulky frame.
I am an expert in telling people that they will not see a officer today.
I stand ready to tell policemen where to go, and to get away with it.
I am free and can't stand the American way of life.
I am a police controller.

SASless

22nd Jun 2006, 13:52

For those of you who do not know "Skippy".....

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

Maple 01

22nd Jun 2006, 13:58

Two points:

1. Skippy - assuming it's the same Skippy who had a list of 213 things he was no longer allowed to do - is a true national hero

2. The link just triggered the internet fun police alarm, so I can't view it at work and am expecting a visit from the Cyber-crime boys shortly!

SASless

22nd Jun 2006, 14:06

The one and the same Maple....except for Skippy being a bit anti-establishment there is no "adult" reason to challenge the site that I could see.

Zoom

22nd Jun 2006, 14:59

I was a fighter jock.
I was a warrior who needed Ray Bans to look even cooler.
I would not admit to being a member of a team, only its leader.
If I was not leading the team it was no wonder things went pear-shaped - the boss should have let me lead it in the first place.
I served my squadron always, except on weekends.
I would always place the mission first, unless it was QRA when I would place the junior pilot first.
I would never quit trying to get out of night-flying.
I would never leave a fallen comrade if his car was the only lift back from the pub.
I flew single-seaters because I could not be trusted with the life of another aviator.
Consequently, I would not admit my mistakes but would always blame my wingman.
So it was he who failed to spot the bogey in his 6 o’clock, who engaged the Royal Flight by mistake and who recovered us to the wrong airfield.
I flew two-seaters because I could not be trusted with my own life and had to be monitored.
Consequently, I would not admit my mistakes but would always blame my navigator.
So it was he who misread the fuel gauge, who forgot to select Master Arm to Arm and who scraped the stabilator on landing.
I would never accept defeat, knowing that whoever shouted loudest at the debrief would win regardless of the evidence.
I was an expert and a professional, far too important to have been looking after the coffee bar or fish tank.
I stood ready to engage and destroy anyone who suggested that I should enrol in ISS.
I was a guardian of flying pay and the duty-free way of life.
I was a fighter jock.

pma 32dd

22nd Jun 2006, 18:01

I am a truckie nav
I sit in the corner
I smell of wee
I heard KFC are recruiting
:ooh:

The Unknown Stuntman

22nd Jun 2006, 19:51

Melchett01

22nd Jun 2006, 21:38

I am a KCL Lecturer
I am an academic
I am an expert in my field
I shall always lecture to members of the Armed Forces and I live to learn
I shall always steer the discussion towards my specialist subject
I will never admit defeat when engaged in debate with mere mortals
I will never walk away from an opportunity to demonstrate my academic superiority to students
I will always refer to my books, update my latest thesis and publish my latest paper
I am an expert in my chosen field
I am a KCL Lecturer

You poor poor individual. You have obviously suffered at the hands of the indoctrination squad . Go and have a good stiff drink, followed by a few more, watch some warry videos (just to remind you what things are really like, not what KCL think they are like) and go and lie down in a darkened room. If you still feel bad after half an hour or so, put the big heavy book down, break out the porn.

Most importantly, don't worry, it is curable!:E

Could be the last?

22nd Jun 2006, 22:42

I am a cmn:

I'm jack of all trades but master of non.
I'm always wrong, as obviously, the pilot is always right.
I'm always to blame when things go wrong.
I'm always on the "Lower Band".
I will always carry the bags to the ac............yeh right.
I could have worked harder at school............ probably.
I don't get a vote because I've got no stick....oh really.
I'm always the one who services the cab, because the pilots suddenly take an interest in the Met.
I'm not a scopey geek!
I always have a chauffer!!
I will not be patronised without retribution.:=
I always get the job done!

And.... I could be the last!

ACW599

22nd Jun 2006, 22:57

I am a Nimrod R1 crew member.
I can see into your soul.
I can re-programme your SIM card from 40,000ft.
I can re-tune your DAB radio to BBC7 at will.
I can receive radio signals from DC to light.
I can crack any code known to man.
But I'm so highly classified, I don't exist.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

23rd Jun 2006, 00:27

I am a manager in an American corporation
I am an absolutely useless tw@t
All I do is get in the way
I have no skills
So I make up for that by creating layer upon layer of bull****
I am a tw@t
I use words and phrases that have no meaning
because I am a tw@t
I lick the arse of the next layer above me
and I would sell out my grandmother to join them
Because I am a tw@t
I am useless
I serve no purpose
In fact I'm probably employed by a competitor
Because all I do is get in the way
I resent people with skills who can actually contribute something
So I dedicate my self to thir destruction
Did I mention that I am a useless tw@t?

ACW599

23rd Jun 2006, 15:38

I am an Islander pilot.
No I'm not.
What Islander?
What's an Islander?
Northolt? Never heard of it.
I'm not really a pilot anyway.
I know nothing.
Nothing.

Archimedes

23rd Jun 2006, 17:27

BEagle

23rd Jun 2006, 17:45

Melchett01

23rd Jun 2006, 18:30

I am a stacker.
I am an expert at screwing people around.
The only urgent requirement is when do I get my next fag break.
The last operation I went on was to cure my ingrowing toe nail.
Before you ask, the answer is no.
I am a stacker.:ugh: :ugh: :ugh:

clicker

23rd Jun 2006, 21:18

I am the CO
I only have one rule, I am always right.
I am the CO

brickhistory

23rd Jun 2006, 22:43

I am a dumb A-10 pilot.
I bombed Warriors in GW1.
An' some Canadians some other time...
My F-15 buddies wasted a couple of Blackhawks when there wasn't even a war on.
An' my navy wasted an Iraq...err, Iroquoi...err, Iranian Airbus
I will never accept I f*cked up.

Insert after the F-15/Blackhawk line:

"And I will let the poor dumb controller face the court-martial while I'm doing fine."

So no RAF guy with his fangs out has ever made a mistake?
I don't defend the 'friendly fire' events here, but it does happen and I don't believe can ever be eliminated.

clicker

23rd Jun 2006, 23:17

I am an Ape
I live on a rock
I will steal ice creams from children
I am a rockape

Hamil000

23rd Jun 2006, 23:28

i am a plane watcher
iam a high school student
iam a plane lover
iam a dreamer
iam a broke guy
iam a loving guy
iam a bad guy
iam a good guy
iam a fast runner
iam a jet engine lover
i live for the sky

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Am.. wanna be pilot

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

24th Jun 2006, 03:21

you forgot "I already have a big watch"

Rakshasa

24th Jun 2006, 06:34

I am a British Serviceman.

I watch Ministers place private perks on public expenses, while I have to deal with LEAN.

I serve the people of the United Kingdom and not President of the United States.

I will always place the Missus first.

I will never accept defeat. I was NOT speeding Corporal, so **** off.

I will never quit. I will however, PVR ASAP.

I will never leave a fallen comrade. I will kick him and tell the drunken sod to get back up.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills... Which is more than can be said of my superiors.

I am expected to perform my job with second rate equipment procured at twice it's true value, so the minister has an nice executive job at a defence contractor after he's sacked for sleaze.

I am an expert and I am a professional, but I am not payed like it.

I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy enemies on the whim of a muppet, safely tucked behind a desk 3000 miles away.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life. Gas is 3 dollars a gallon.

I am a British Serviceman.

harrogate

24th Jun 2006, 06:42

I am a British serviceman

I have... to log off. They're taking my computer.

Cutbacks.

Jobza Guddun

24th Jun 2006, 09:57

I am a British Serviceman.

I can't log on. The computer is crap.

Progress.

Occasional Aviator

25th Jun 2006, 01:30

I am an American Soldier.
I will never drink Panda lemonade, I have a selection of Coca-cola, 7-up and Mountain Dew to choose from.
If I want MREs i don't have to submit a list of service numbers and movements, I just pick them up from stores.
The US Army gives me free financial advice on how to invest the *extra* money I get while on detachment.
My family get free medical care, even after I have left the services.
My body armour (armor) includes a large front and back plate, shoulder and neck protectors.
My public is behind me, and sends me cakes at Christmas and candy the rest of the year.
I keep fit working out in the air-conditioned Gym close to my hardened accommodation.
AAFES provide me with a range of quality goods and I can eat at Pizza Hut and Subway if I like.
I can get my laundry done overnight by the filpinos or I can use the big shed full of washing machines and dryers with free detergent laid on.
The HMMVs are all brand new.
I don't know what you Brits are whining about.

In Tor Wot

25th Jun 2006, 22:23

I am a British Airman.
I am a Warrior and a member of a very, very small team.
I serve the people of the United States and live the Army values when detached within 200 miles of the Army.
I understand there’s a mission, but not my place in it.
I will never accept defeat until the AG hangs me out at the Old Bailey.
I will never quit the bar.
I will never leave a fallen comrade if it’s his round.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills unlike the other 70% of the RAF that never deploy.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself, Surplus and Adventure stores and overdraft permitting.
I am an expert and I am a professional, unlike the politicians that landed me in this in the first place.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat at no extra cost to the treasury.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life, liberty and the $3 gallon.
I am a British Airman.

clicker

26th Jun 2006, 12:30

You are a British serviceman
You poor barsteward
I am a politician

jonny5

7th Jul 2006, 10:39

I am a goldfish
.......
what was i writing about?
I am a goldfish
........
what was i writing about?

TwoTunnels

7th Jul 2006, 11:42

I am an aviator.
I am in the Royal Air Force.
I am on xy sqn.
I am in xy Expeditionary Air Wing (when I'm at home).
I am in x group (when I'm at home).
I am in xy Expeditionary Air Group (when I'm at depolyed).
I am in xyz Expeditionary Air Wing (when I'm depolyed).
I am still on xy sqn (when I'm depolyed).
I would have lots of badges on my flying suit if I was that sad.
Real numbers not used to protect the innocent
:ugh: :confused: